TWO AMAZING BUT TRUE DC TURKEY STORIES

FIRST STORY: THREE TURKEYS - ONE HOLIDAY?

One little, two little, three little turkeys. except that they were great big turkeys, and each one became the family turkey in succession, three turkeys in 24 hours. How did this wretched excess happen?

The first turkey was bought the night before the day before Thanksgiving, in a late-night splurge at the Social Safeway. Because we were having so many guests, we needed a 24 lb. turkey, and the Social Safeway in Georgetown seemed like the likeliest spot to snag a fresh one. Bingo! The turkey and all the trimmings filled every inch of free space in the car. We were so tired after all the purchasing that emptying it late at night was a chore we were all barely capable of organizing. Somehow we managed to empty the car of everything – except the turkey itself. The turkey spent the night in the car.

Horrors! The Turkey Institute had done a fine job of prosyletizing everyone against leaving out the bird. I called their Turkey Hotline reluctantly, dialing with trembling finger. Sure enough, they managed to convince me that I should throw out that fine bird, that I would be endangering a large number of guests as a result. Never mind that the weather was cold and the possibility of poisoning them was quite remote. They told me it had to go, so out it went. Turkey Number One bit the dust!

Now this was the day before Thanksgiving, and very large turkeys were beginning to be difficult to find. Not to worry. I worked not far from Hechinger Mall, where one of the biggest Safeways in the District was located. On my lunch hour, I drove straight to Hechinger Mall and snagged the last remaining huge turkey. Bird Number Two was a beauty! Mindful of the need for keeping it cold, I paid for the bird and asked the staff to put it aside and keep it chilled. I would return right after work and take it home. I had a lot of work to do and arrived at Hechinger Mall well after nightfall. No problem, I’d have plenty of time to cook and get ready for the big day. But WHERE was my turkey?? I looked and looked and called for the staff. They finally were forced to confess that they must have sold it. Sold my turkey??!! The last big turkey they had had in the store? It was a horror story. No way was I going to accept any excuse. So…

I dug deep in my pocket and hauled out my secret weapon - the tool that I had been promised would take care of any serious situation. At least ones involving Safeways! I was an Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner with a tiny Safeway in my jurisdiction. After a great deal of effort on my part, I had gotten a major zoning change rammed through the city that allowed the Safeway Corporation to eliminate an unneeded parking lot and double the pitiful size of our Safeway. (Even doubled, it is still small enough to be known locally as the Soviet Safeway because it hasn’t room for more than one of anything!) The Safeway Corporation owed me big time for my successful efforts on their behalf, and showed their appreciation by giving me an Executive Safeway card. It was usually given to their upper level executives, and gave me no extra savings, but it was supposed to act as a kind of Get Out of Jail Card. It was supposed to solve Safeway problems; I put it to the test. I brought it out and passed it back and forth under their stricken noses. I announced to them that by their reselling my already-paid for turkey, solving the problem of finding me a turkey to serve over 20 guests the next day was now their problem. They had till tomorrow morning to solve the problem. I went home to a sound sleep.

Somewhere in the farthest reaches of Maryland’s Eastern Shore, a 24-lb. unfrozen turkey was still unsold. The union leader was promised double or even triple time if that turkey could be long-distance hauled to the District. At 7:00 am the next morning, when I had already started to string the celery and slice the mushrooms, Turkey No. Three arrived at my door. It was perfect – twenty-four people dined well. Moral: a bird in the hand is worth three in the bush, if those birds are hiding in the car, the supposedly safe location and the far reaches of the Eastern Shore!

SECOND STORY: THE LONG LINE, THE TURKEY, THE DOG AND THE GYPSIES

Many years ago it was possible to buy a live turkey in DC and have it executed, defeathered and rendered oven-ready while you waited. Eating a freshly-killed bird was thought to be both healthier and more delicious than eating a previously rockhard frozen turkey which had to be thawed (usually in the bathtub) for several days before cooking. Far fewer people were vegans or even vegetarians in those bygone days, and a really fresh turkey was considered to be the epitome of a gourmet approach to cooking a bird, especially a Thanksgiving bird.

The result was a huge line the day or two before Thanksgiving. People would wait for hours for their bird. On this day before Thanksgiving a good three decades ago, I found myself in such a line. It is quite common for strangers who are stuck in what seems to be a permanent line, to start talking to each other to pass the time and eventually bond together. This is exactly what happened that morning. We found each other congenial as well as slightly demented from the wait. Stories were passed around, judgments were made on public events, politicians and musicians past and present, and anything that could be dredged up to help pass time during the long wait became fair game.

Now fair game is precisely the right word. It was hard not to notice that a few of the butcher’s stock in trade were small birds strutting around outside amongst the persons in line. They pecked away at invisible goodies in the hard, rocky soil, quite unaware of their impending doom. Probably the butchers allowed them a small period of freedom as they couldn’t get away, having had their wings cut as chicks to deter flight. Their potential for fine dining was gratefully commented upon by the waiters-in-line, who had nothing better to do with their time as they waited.

Now as it happened, the potential purchasers were not the only assessors of the little birds walking around. A tough old mutt lurking nearby seemed also to be sizing them up. The dog was sufficiently dirtyy and fierce-looking that it was assumed to be on the loose and without an owner. It looked hungry. Eventually, specific hypotheses began to develop around the question of whether the dog might have an eye out for a free dinner, as it seemed to be hanging around for some dinner-related purpose. The waiters began to hope for the possibility of a genuinely time-passing event. Having nothing better to do, and slightly crazed from the hours in line, they began to encourage the mutt. The mongrel was evaluated and positively rated for adequacy of size, potential speed and sufficient nerve to carry it off. Bets started to be laid whether or not the dog would have the nerve or capacity to grab a bird. To assist the game, the waiters parted just enough to give the hardened old dog enough space to do the evil deed. The dog looked up at us, scarcely believing that it was being encouraged to abscond with a bird. Go for it, the waiters cried, and go for it the mutt did. It made a quick dash, grabbed the bird by the neck and threw it over its shoulder and took off at top speed to the wild applause of those who had bet that he would make the attempt.

What I learned only later was that the dog was the prize valuable of a band of gypsies camping nearby. The dog had been trained to provide them with a free dinner upon command, and did so regularly. It took the waiters, however, to turn his depredations into a genuine, DC sporting event.

Some terrific music we've heard lately - Tango, Puccini and Antiphonal concerts

Lately, we've attended some terrific musical productions. Mme. Magpie hopes you might enjoy a quick review of them.

1. Quintango at the Gala Theatre. This one was a real surprise! We had met several members of Quintango at a Day of the Dead party recently, and they told us about the show. We decided to go, not knowing exactly what to expect. This chamber ensemble is thoroughly professional musically, and fully deserves to be compared in its performance to serious string quartets - the quality was far higher than we expected. In fact, the small ensemble - piano, bass, 2 violins and cello - could hold its own against any of the serious groups in this city. The pianist was sublime in his technique – way past that showy 19th C. crowdpleaser, Louis Moreau Gottschalk, and that says a lot. The addition of two other instrumentalists for a few pieces - a bandurion player and a drummer - were welcome, but actually not critical; Quintango had enough going for it that their absence in much of the program made little if any difference. The program was greatly enhanced by the co-performance of two sublimely talented Tango dancers - their credentials were first-rate, as were their technique and sensitivity to the music to which they danced. Check out Quintango's website - if you like Tango and want to hear it as an artform, Quintago is the group for you. Yummy!

2. Puccini. This was a Washington Chorus production, featuring a substantial orchestra (including four bass fiddles!) the huge chorus that is their trademark, an extremely well-balanced group of soloists, and some of the most hummable music that has ever been sung. It is not so common to have a group of soloists who were as evenly talented as this group was. Almost any of them could have slipped into one of the other roles written for the same voice without any loss of smoothness or artistic production. There wasn't a slacker among them, and the voice quality was uniformly excellent. Some fine acting as well! The performance was sparkling, with lots of arias that persons with any interest in opera would certainly know. The audience left the Kennedy Center positively fizzing with delight.

3. Antiphonal Music through the Ages. This concert, from the Washington Choral Arts Society, was a hands-down winner. Antiphonal music was a new experience for Madame Magpie's husband, if not for her - a former member of the Boston Pro Music Antiqua - and both of us had a rousing good time. Antiphonal music, both choral and brass instrument-oriented, is really exciting stuff. Fundamentally, the music is split up into at least two groups and can go up to as many as eight choruses. Pieces may be call and response, or everyone singing the same music at the same time from different locations around the concert hall, or the music may be polyphonic - different melodies and harmonies sung at the same time from different locations, or in great massive blocks, in two or more locations. The most delightful and unusual experience was to be able to follow a phrase or theme when the chorus was divided into eight groups, with some on the stage and the rest across the first balcony completely circling the concert hall. The theme would appear on one side of the hall and rise then fall, moving around, usually clockwise until the entire concert hall had been traversed. That was great fun, indeed!

As different pieces were divided up into different sized and placed groups, there was a lot of chorus moving; it was something like seeing a living kaleidoscope in action. This was handled extraordinarily well- the logistics involved were equal to those involving the moving of armies over complicated terrain - and the program used the time necessary for carrying out the chorus redeployments exceptionally well by putting on a wonderful antiphonal brass program while the choristers gracefully moved to their new location. Mme. Magpie was particularly taken with two of Praetorius' Dances from Terpsichore, but she must reveal bias in her delight, as one of the Dances was part of the musical prelude program to her wedding forty-two years ago.

An interesting sidenote to an antiphonal concert is how the conductor arranged himself so that his direction could be seen by choral - and brass - members who were not to be found in their customary straight line-of-sight locations. The conductor had to modify his usual technique in order to be seen by musicians to the right and left, as well as a whole tier higher than his head. He solved the problem by conducting from a raised podium right in the center of the concert hall itself. Very thoughtful, very clever, very successful - exactly the right words to describe the concert itself.

The Gabrieli, Tallis and Biebl pieces were the choral highlights of the concert. The Gabrielis were delicious, over the top swooning crashes of pure, sensual sound (if those two adjectives can both refer to the same sense at the same time!). Thomas Tallis is one of the stars of the brilliant Tudor musical scene, and his piece is profound in its meaning as well as its musicality; its deep religious pull is gripping, the words and music combining and turning in a setting that offers sublime musicality. The little Biebl piece was a true charmer. Its composer was unknown to me but won me over instantly because of its sweetness and melodic charm. The Martin piece seemed drier, and was considerably lengthier - not that it was boring, but it wasn't in the same class. The fine Benjamin Britten piece had been written when the composer was very young, but it shone in its beauty like the polished piece it is. Genius show itself early in Britten's case!

Not every hall can accommodate antiphonal productions, but this was a true joy to listen to. If you have access to home theater surround sound, so get CDs of the program and give yourself a spectacular treat!

DUPONT CIRCLE CAT BURGLAR CAUGHT - AT LAST!

BREAKING NEWS! Mme. Magpie could not have been happier. At the Dupont Circle ANC Meeting tonight, the MPD announced that they had FINALLY caught the notorious Dupont Circle cat burglar, and that he was confessing his crimes with great relish!

After he had been arrested, he was driven around town and amused himself by picking out home after home into which he had broken. The MPD seemed somewhat stunned with the breathtaking number and variety of his chimney-top entry methodology, but were definitely taking notes.

Mme. Magpie recalls his antics with a certain 'je ne sais quoi", because her nest had been a possible break-in site not long ago. One 4:00 am, she heard a strange noise, and asked her hubby if he had also heard it. When he said yes, she got up to investigate. Lo! and Behold! When she carefully and slowly opened her interior front hall door, she found that it was entirely filled with blue-uniformed MPD officers. She was appalled, of course – because she had on her second-best nightie rather than her Gloria Swanson, Marilyn Monroe special. The shmata didn't even come with a bathrobe, much less any sequins or rhinestones to set off Mme. Magpie's pure white hair! She complained to the Police Powers that be, and they just laughed at her.

It seems that Mme. Magpie's tenant had heard a sound on the roof and called in the MPD, which VERY much wanted to catch said burglar. The tenant didn't call Mme. Magpie, as it was, after all, 4:00 am. So it was quite a shock for Mme. Magpie to find her very own front hall had ben taken over by the MPD hoping that this call was going to be the magic, winning bell. Unfortunately, the sound most probably came from an overachieving raccoon who had been spotted, in a previous incident, shinnying down her rain spout. Such nerve!

This time, Good Karma has prevailed, and the Cat Burglar of Dupont Circle has finally been apprehended. To put it gently, the MPD is breathing a collective sigh of relief; after all a half a year without a Victory was serious bad, not only on the MPD's overtime budget, but on its morale – to say nothing of the morale of Dupont Circlers who came home to find their ceiling stomped in or the skylight open and the little goodies that make life worthwhile all gone. . .

Happy days are here again, folks! Mme. Magpie is imagining a brass band marching this way in celebration, but will settle for the drummers of Dupont Circle. Having solved this problem, let's bring on something much harder – how to find some good mayoral candidates, or maybe how to get voting rights in Congress. Anything seems possible on a day when the Cat Burglar of Dupont Circle is finally down to his last life, which she trusts will be well-spent in a permanent suite in the slammer! .

A CRAZED DRIVER BLAZES DOWN MY BLOCK; WHAT TO DO?

What do you do when some damn fool whips his turbocharged car past you, accelerating up to 60 mph (my estimate) on the block where you live?

Mme. Magpie – a past Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner - and her hubby – the current Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner of our Dupont Circle neighborhood - and a constituent were walking back from a community meeting the other night, when we were practically blown away by the undertow when a fancy foreign car went barreling past us like greased lightning, slamming on the brakes at the last possible minute at the end of the block. It was one of the worst exhibits of unsafe, risky city driving I’ve seen on our block, and I’ve lived at the same address for the past forty years.

There was no way I could let this outrage pass without notice. So I walked up to the car and called the driver on his life-threatening deed – I used no bad words, didn’t lose my temper and didn’t raise my voice. He responded with a sneer about

• how important he is (he said he was a doctor) and

• did I have any idea to whom I was talking, and

• who the hell did I think I was, anyhow, and

•how he intended to repeat his NASCAR experience ”multiple times” now that he knew where we live.

He then proceeded to unleash a full-blown diatribe, filled with unpleasant and certainly erroneous assumptions about what people who objected to his driving must be like. He swore

• that we were old geezers who disapproved of urban street life

• that we must think that everyone living here should be and act just like us, and

• that we wanted to prevent a varied, urban neighborhood.

His final, grand point was that because we lived in the city we had no right to expect people to obey traffic laws – I guess traffic laws must be strictly suburban. He told me, and I quote, “this is the city and I can do anything I want to here.” Perhaps I should be grateful that he didn’t have a Terrible Two temper tantrum on the spot. (Actually, short of lying on the ground, kicking his legs and holding his breath, that’s exactly what he was doing.)

I responded quietly, trying to explain that all I wanted was some sane driving on the block where I live, and that this was not an unreasonable expectation. At that, he stormed off in high dudgeon, disappearing into the evening crowd on 17^th Street.

I was afraid both of what further dangerous actions he might do with his car if he had (any more) alcohol in him, and I was dismayed by his threats to rerun a Grand Prix Course on Corcoran Street. And so I called the MPD.

The police responded quickly and in force. They took seriously his potential for dangerous driving as well as his threats to return and deliberately speed on the little street where I live – a short block with plenty of pedestrian traffic due to the “Soviet” Safeway on our block. Unfortunately, we didn’t know where he had gone, and after several minutes of waiting to see if he might return, the MPD slid off to check out other urban city activities. It was another night in Dodge on a street that used to be called Stab Alley.

A NEW UNITARY THEORY, BRINGING TOGETHER THE LAWS OF EVOLUTION AND PHYSICS

Mme. Magpie's Theory of Evolution has been finally proven conclusively today. She is so excited that she wants to share her important advance in the Laws of Physics with you. She has long held that evolution occurs through the process of transmogrification. The changes generally occur in dark and murky locales, with the washer/drier and her clothes closet providing the principal sites for change. What occurs at these stations? Come, come, it is quite obvious! – socks and hangers interchange in a magnificent transformation. She knew this to be true, but she was seeking more proof. Today she found both the proof she needed, and she learned of a new transmogrification site– one of her many hat boxes. She carefully stores the out-of-season chapeaux in hatboxes in her closet, and, as she was performing her biannual chore of bringing out the winter hats, she came across a box in which transmogrification was in actual progress! Both hangers and socks were present, along with a missing belt of my husband's (obviously a transitional byproduct). There they were, caught in the very act! I thought I caught the sound of fading trumpets as well as a whispered word -- possibly "Eureka". It was truly an awesome experience – Do any of you have access to a Stockholm phone directory? I believe there's a few folk to whom I should be talking. . .

SQUAWKING ABOUT DC'S LACK OF FORECLOSURE AND EVICTION INFORMATION

Mme. Magpie has noticed that something important seems to have been overlooked by the DC Government –information on where to get help if you live in the District and are facing foreclosure or eviction.

Mme. Magpie is shocked, shocked to discover that two of the biggest problems facing DC residents are being ignored by the DC Government. She wonders if the District Government has much of a notion about what’s important these days. Does the District Government understand the words “foreclosure” and “eviction?”

Mme. Magpie spent a lot of time looking to see what kind of advice the city had to offer online to residents facing these critical problems. She has checked the DC Government website, including the main site, the site of the Department of Housing and Community Development and the websites of each of the DC Council Members. She is more than a bit incensed to have to report that she found nothing. NADA. This is inexcusable.

If the city doesn’t think this is important, perhaps it should be answering the telephone at Mme. Magpie’s nest. Yesterday alone, two phone calls came in from or about people needing advice, people who are in grave danger of losing their homes. And that’s just one day and one residential phone at a time when hundreds, probably thousands of District residents are being foreclosed upon or evicted for being behind in the rent after having been laid off. Ironically, probably the largest pool of employee lay-offs are from the District Government itself. (Way to go, DCG – forget the needs of people you have put in that position).

It’s long past the time for the city to provide clear, simple, easy-to understand instructions about what to do if you are a homeowner about to be foreclosed upon, or if you are a DC renter about to lose your apartment because you’ve lost your job.

If the city isn’t up to providing you with that information, Mme. Magpie thought she’d better see what she could find online that offers residents accurate information on what they ought to do in such a situation. Here are a couple of websites that seem to provide just that – useful places to call for help, or useful information about sequencing what you need to be done to stave off being put out, either as a result of foreclosure or eviction.

1. HUD’s List of Local, Approved Housing Counseling Agencies

http://www.hud.gov/offices/hsg/sfh/hcc/hcs.cfm?webListAction=search&searchstate=DC

This seems to be the best list of places to go for help for homeowners and/or renters. Mme. Magpie knows almost all of these agencies, and they have been helpful over the years. The list seems pretty comprehensive, and the kinds of information available at a given agency is clearly laid out.

2. Fannie Mae’s web site

http://www.fanniemae.com/

This site has information to help both homeowners and renters in trouble. It also has useful information on forclosure/eviction avoidance scams.

3. A Foreclosure Survivor timeline – what to do when

http://foreclosuresurvivorkit.com/index.htm

This gives clear, thoughtful advice on what works best when foreclosure looms, occurs or has already taken place. It even takes into account emotional needs.

4. DC Foreclosure law summary

http://www.foreclosurelaw.org/DC_Foreclosure_Law.htm

This seems to be a pretty good review of what the law is in the District. It’s written in legal-type language – never a small word when a larger one can be used – but it does the job.

5. Tenants’ Advocacy Coalition (TENAC)

http://www.tenac.org/

(202) 628-3688 (hotline)

This all-volunteer, activist group works hard to help retain rent control and to support tenant interests and rights, and does an excellent job at it. It is the only citywide tenants’ organization, and has been active in DC for the past 15 years.

Mme. Magpie is thinking especially about the little fledglings who are being pushed out of their cosy nests and who face an uncertain future as a result. They are often the greatest sufferers in such situations. We owe it to help each other in these difficult times, especially as the colder weather is upon us. Any of the groups listed under item one or TENAC listed in item five could make good use of donations.

HOW CAN THE LAID-OFF AND THEIR FAMILIES BE HELPED?

Mme. Magpie has been worrying. She is thinking, first of all, of the large numbers of persons who have been laid off. How have they been handling this very real blow to their lives? And second, she has been worrying about how their families and loved ones have been coping. As she sees it, both groups are in equal peril.

Back when she was the District’s (only) Patient Advocate for everyone in substance abuse treatment, she put together a huge list of every Twelve Step meeting in DC, by day of the week, hour and location. The idea was to ensure that when someone was ready to reach out for help, we would be able to find somewhere to go right away. The list included all the “anon” fellowship programs for family members, because their needs were as great as the fellowship programs for the addicts themselves. All were affected, all were hurting.

And, as a current volunteer with a group that provide grief assistance to families of homicide victims in DC, Mme. Magpie is aware of the depth of assistance needed for families that have suddenly had shocking news that will affect the rest of their lives.

Not only do persons who have suddenly lost their jobs need grief and psychological counseling, especially when the chances of picking up another job are so slim in this deep recession, but their families are suffering psychologically and need help as well. It is obvious to Mme. Magpie that both groups of people will need real counseling over a period of time.

Why hasn’t that need been picked up by our employers? They owe it to their employees wherever possible, especially to employees who have given long and loyal service to their employer. All employers who can afford to offer even a little counseling, should do so, and those who can but don’t should be singled out for public disdain.

Lord knows that’s true of the District Government, which shows its contradictory planning process by continuing to hire while it is firing. If it’s got enough money to keep on hiring people, it should pay for counseling and guidance programs for those whom it has just dropped from its payrolls – and their families. It can afford to do so, so why hasn’t it done it already? This lack of caring is sad, and needs to be remedied ASAP. Other large employers who are shedding jobs in the area should do the same.

Surah 5:32 of the Koran contains the oft-cited lines that “if anyone saves a life, it shall be as though he had saved the lives of all mankind”. The same Surah also goes on to exhort people of different religious traditions to “Vie, then, with one another in doing good works!” Mme. Magpie thinks that employers who have let persons go, for whatever reasons, ought to contemplate the potential catastrophic results and find some way to aid its ex-employees and their families with useful and needed counseling. Employers vying for ways to be helpful can and will be remembered as doing their best in a difficult situation. And that, if applied widely, can help save an economic universe.

WHEN WILL THE DC GOVT STOP DISSING APPLE USERS?

Mme. Magpie is pissed off. She is of the Apple persuasion, and the DC Government continually and ridiculously discriminates against those of us who are Apple users. It has got to stop.

She was trying to look up the DC Code a few days ago. The DC Code is comprised of the regulations that actually govern this city, regulations based upon the laws passed by the City Council. She found the code and noticed that that it was quite out of date - how about no later than January of - tada - 2006. She was not surprised about this; she would have been more surprised if they were up to date. (Being up-to-date is not part of the DC Government's DNA.) The only enabling cookies are for three different versions of Internet Explorer and four different versions of Netscape Navigator. Nothing native for Mac users, and no open platforms, either. There are a lot of great charts - at least she ASSUMES they are great charts - that the city's technocrats put out. Many of them are totally unavailable to Mac users.

This is not an accident, folks. The Office of DC's Chief Technology Officer is fully involved in keeping DC Apfel-frei. It ha a 15 page listing of its "Technology Standards at a Glance" (stet - maybe that's a little mean, but 15 pages is hardly a glance!) It covers everything you could think of - software, hardware, operating systems, etc., etc, etc. Its sole major reference to Apple is under the heading Desktop Operating Systems. Is Madame Magpie incorrect in thinking that this reference is remarkably frosty to the Apple world? How about an arctic Zero Degrees Fahrenheit in approval level? The quote speaks for itself , "The District has standardized on Intel-based personal computers. Apple computers can only be purchased upon approval by OCTO." And perhaps Hell might need a new furnace before that approval is ever achieved.

It's not that Mme. Magpie is unaware of this rank prejudice. It isn't the first time Mme. Magpie's beloved Apple has been dissed by the District Government. Back when she was working for the District Government, she was refused permission to buy an Apple. So she brought in her own in order to avoid having to learn how to use a system she disapproves of in close to religious terms. (Her fingers don't do Windows – never have and never will.) That heresy caused her to be banned from her agency's internal LAN.

At first, Mme. Magpie was aggravated by being left out of the loop of information, but it was not long before she realized she had, in fact, been blessed! Was her agency's LAN not filled with some of the most boring bureaucratic prose known to Western civilization? It was. Did not Mme. Magpie have better things to do with her time than read poorly-written bureaucratic blather about topics of genuinely little interest? She certainly did. She set up own website at no cost, and spent the hours she would have had to devote to reading bureaucratic nonsense masquerading as trivia, and instead went about the much more fascinating business of helping people who had actually come to the District Government seeking help. A revolutionary sentiment, Mme. Magpie assures you. In fact, she managed to finagle an Apple in a grant she obtained - an Apple that she well remembers never once fell comatose due to a virus - and when she retired, she was ordered to take the Apple home with her, as the DC Government wanted to remove the Apple pollutant once and forever.

My, how the DC Government loves PCs! It knows winners when it sees them, doesn't it? I'd call OCTO a slow learner, but then no less than three OCTO employees, including OCTO's own chief were arrested this spring by the FBI. For bribery and embezzlement, no less. Apparently OCTO's Chief spent his time focusing on matters other than deciding that the Apple platform is not poisonous, a belief held today only by the DC Government. ( Mme. Magpie suspects that OCTOgenarians still wear garlic to ward off the Devil and bad humors!) The DC Government may not like or want its employees to use Apples, but it is quite another thing to extend its prejudices to the general public, ALL of whom it is supposed to be serving. Mme. Magpie wonders if DC Government employees are allowed to answer telephone calls made on iPhones . . .

THE NEW CODE OF OFFICIAL CONDUCT IS SOOO TOUGH!

Folks, we’ve been hearing quite a lot lately about the DC’s new Code of Official Conduct, haven’t we?! Barely in place, and badaboom, it’s already been in a train wreck. (Sorry, METRO, I wasn’t talking about you!) Aren’t you curious to know exactly what is now required of the City Council and its staff? Don’t you wonder just a little how something like taking a bribe might be disallowed? And possibly you are curious about the penalties. The penalties, now doesn’t the idea of penalties make your mouth water? Gotta be some juicy penalties, you know – hard time, big fines, even a perp walk before cameras, all the good stuff?! Right? Wrong.

Just to help you know what actually is being regulated for the first time (we won’t go so far as to say being outlawed, actually), Mme. Magpie thought you might like to see what the Code of Official Conduct looks like. Printing the actual bills that are passed always seems to be too much effort for our local press to share with the public – they NEVER print the laws, they only comment on them – but Mme. Magpie has tracked down the actual bill and distilled the juicy parts out for your review. Or amusement, depending on your point of view. The critical parts of the new Code of Official Conduct are as follows:

(a) Councilmembers and Council staff shall maintain a high level of ethical conduct in connection with the performance of their official duties, and shall refrain from taking, ordering, or participating in any official action which would adversely affect the confidence of the public in the integrity of the District government. Council members shall strive to act solely in the public interest and not for any personal gain, or take an official action on a matter as to which he or she has a potential conflict of interest created by a personal, family, client or business interest, avoiding both actual and perceived conflicts of interest and preferential treatment.

(b) Councilmembers and Council staff shall take full responsibility for understanding and complying with the letter and spirit of all laws and regulations governing standards of conduct for District public officials, including those relating to conduct, conflict of interest, gifts, disclosures, campaign finance, political activity and freedom of information.

(c) Councilmembers and Council staff shall specifically adhere to the Council Code of Official Conduct that lists the core ethical principles that build public trust in government.

I mean, folks, this is really gutsy stuff. My favorite part is where they’re ordered “to strive to act solely in the public interest”. That really gets me in the heart strings. Could it be that taking a bribe might not be striving? Who knows? And who cares, if the Code doesn’t lay out any penalties?!

Mme. Magpie needs to fan herself – she is overcome by the excitement that breaking the Code induces. Gosh, she thought that The Wire was the last word in criminal activity – she is astonished to learn that we have REAL official crime going on right here in DC, (we never knew) and, boy! is our Code of Official Conduct on the job. What will we find out next? Can't wait! Wasn't it a member of New York's Tammany Hall who said only a century ago,"I seen my opportunities, and I took 'em!"

AT AN ACCIDENT SCENE: WHAT DID I SEE? WHAT DID I LEARN?

Yesterday, I was present at an accident. In truth, I didn’t see it, as I wasn’t the driver, and I was crocheting. But it did happen in front of us as we were waiting at a red light, the fourth car in line. The light changed, two cars tried to occupy the same space simultaneously, and wham, bam, the two cars were badly damaged in the intersection. I learned at least four important lessons from what happened next.

We immediately pulled our car to the side of the road just as two women dragged themselves out from one of the two damaged cars. Neither was bleeding. While one seemed all right, her companion was definitely in pain. With the help of her friend, she hobbled in my direction to the side of the road, eyes closed and moaning. I started to search for my first aid kit, but I couldn’t find it during the first critical moments. We had bought a new car five months previously, and I didn’t know where my first aid kit had been relocated. I rushed over with a pillow, but she didn’t want to lie down. She was still standing up, moaning, when I heard first responder medical staff approaching.

When I finally did find the kit, the first responder medical vehicles then arriving made my small offering unneeded. It was too late to be of any medical use to the victims.

What did I learn about first aid equipment?

• Different kinds of accidents have different first-aid needs. The first aid kit wasn’t needed at this one. But a disposable blow-up pillow and disposable sheets and blankets would have been useful. Get them.

• Know where to find first aid equipment.

• Make sure that site is easily accessible, even if your car is the one that has been damaged

I also realized that if there had been intensive bleeding, I was no longer adequately-prepared to address such a situation on my own. I am a DC CERT member – that’s a national program to provide community residents with triage and emergency response training in case of some grave emergency. In fact, I have gone through the full training twice. But I realized that that training is limited in scope and depth, and needs annual repetition to competently deal with emergency situations. This is especially true if the situation could possibly potentially involve a life and death matter.

What did I learn about training?

• In all cases, remember that the first duty is to do no harm.

• Do not act on partly-remembered training.

• Realize the limits of even fully-remembered training and don't attempt more than minimal assistance in a situation when professional help will surely be coming quickly

• Retrain annually.

The third thing I learned was that I had only focused on the victims from one of the cars. I paid no attention to the people in the other involved car. I only saw one of them, a man standing by himself, and had no idea if he had been hurt. As the accident was pretty nasty, he or any of his unseen companions could well have been. Looking back, of course I should have taken the initiative and gone to check on the victim of the other car as well to see if he, or any others in his party, had been injured. Why hadn’t I? Partly because the two women had headed in my direction, while the man stood still. But also, I think I felt that his car was to blame for the accident (on what evidence, I’m not sure). That made me feel hostile, so I didn’t go and ask him how he was feeling. Upon reflection, of course that made no sense. Pain knows no boundaries of any kind, and once the accident happened, all victims were equally entitled to whatever help that I or anyone else could have given.

What did I learn about who should get help?

• Pay no attention to the question of fault – that’s someone else’s job

• Check all cars and the surrounding land for potential victims

• Make sure I give help fairly and strictly in terns of triage

Finally, as we stood by the side of the accident, my husband talked to the to the man whose car was first in line. He had had a complete view of the accident that had unfolded in front of him. My husband asked this fellow what he had seen. It was immediately clear that the best possible witness had no sense at all of what he must have seen. His description of what he thought had happened was seriously impossible, geographically, time-sequentially and physically. What he thought he had seen did not correspond in any way with either the position of the cars or the placement of the extensive damage.

What did I learn about witnesses?

• Memory is not to be trusted

• Nor is the judgment of a witness

• Looking at the clock to determine when an accident happened would be helpful.

• So would a pad of paper to take notes and make a quick sketch.

• A disposable camera can be really helpful, and possibly a dedicated emergency phone

Probably the most important thing Mme. Magpie learned from this incident is sequencing reactions to an accident. The duty of a bystander should flow as follows: The first duty is to think about how soon first responders may take to arrive and with what level of assistance. An accident in the middle of nowhere needs a different level of help than an accident at the corner of two major city streets. The next duty is figure out how much needs to be done before professional assistance arrives and how much help any training the bystander has to offer is appropriate, based on these estimates. The final duty is to act with restraint and in accordance with all the limitations noted.

Mme. Magpie hopes that this learning process will allow an injured person the opportunity to get better quickly and fully – accident-related injuries are much less fun to contemplate than bright, sparkly jewels.

Dog Park Heaven

It was about time, only twenty-odd years – and by God they WERE odd years – for the Dog Park to emerge at 17th and S Streets NW. I suppose that other births have taken longer (voting representation in Congress for example), but the struggle over the future of that smallish triangle of land was titanic.

The problem was that everyone had ideas on how that precious land should be used, and the idea folk were, all of them, quite rabid on their subject. There were off-the-leash dog people, and baby/small child people, and neighbors who went to bed early, and neighbors who definitely didn't want sleeping done there, etc., etc. Everyone had graduate degrees in public speaking or lawyering or sermon delivery, everyone had taken part in college Debate Club or had preached in Hyde Park or had become skilled speakers for (or against) anarchism or Transcendental Meditation, almost everyone could outshout Ethel Merman or Rush Limbaugh. And all were willing to show off their skills. Politicians took one look at the problem and decided there was no marked advantage to be had by taking up the cudgel for one or another position, and so ran off, promises fading into nothingness as they retreated to the relative sanity of a 17th Street watering hole.

So it was a miracle that the Dog Park came into actuality. It is a classy production, and the dogs love it. They have everything they could possibly want, short of a paw-driven dog biscuit-dispensing machine. Water, a hill that soaks up dog urine, and lots of other pooches to play with. Thirty to fifty dogs can be found there in weekend prime time, swirling around to imaginary music only they can hear. Their owners look almost as ecstatic as the dogs – they get to socialize as well. Even those without dogs have something just for them, an elegant gathering spot just ouside the southwesternmost corner of the Dog Park. There, the dogless ones can congregate and chat of matters non-canine. My late Irish Wolfhound, Ború of sacred memory, would have felt he was in Heaven. But of course, he IS in Heaven now! The sophisticated dogs now enjoying the Dupont Circle Dogpark at 17th and S may view Heaven's offerings with a bit of jaundice. They've already seen the best that Washington has to offer.

It would be a fair trade - shop DC, drink DC = vote DC

So I understand that the White House would like to have a Farmer's Market conveniently nearby. Perhaps Michele Obama wants to slip over to Vermont Avenue to squeeze the squashes, grip the grapes or even pinch the peaches. Well and good. Let's help her do that. But I think there should be some corresponding effort on their part, and I know just the thing...

How about some White House support for DC voting rights in exchange for the ANC's approval of the Farmer's Market? Not an unreasonable trade off, I think. If Michele wants to be The First Housewife, let her show that she's also our First Voter. This is DC's opportunity, folks – maybe our only one. So let's make the most of it!!

To get a Farmer's Market going on Vermont Avenue, so close to the White House that she could get there without having to cross any major streets, the local ANC has to give approval. Elected folks from DC at last have their votes mean something! WOW!! It may never happen again, so we better use this opportunity UP! We got 'em over the barrel for the first and probably only time in the whole century. Let's think fast, now.

Do we have veggies so lovely and so tasty we could trade them for voting rights to make us like the rest of the country, no longer just, dare I say it, ...a COLONY! There's some fine fennel oand beautiful basil at the Dupont Circle Farmers' Market, both the color of "GO 'on DC traffic lights (the ones that turn green for her whenever she comes through). How about some deeply flavored late tomatoes, precisely the same color as the red in the DC flag? That sounds pretty good to me.

Next comes the tricky part. Once we know what she REALLY wants to have for dinner AND what's fresh at her neighborhood Farmers' Market, we'll have to deny it to her until and unless she promises to give real, serious support for genuine home rule in DC! We finally have some juice, folks, and I can see voting rights coming straight our way.

Now let's take this issue to the next level, friends. If the ANC can get the White House chefs to speak up at the ANC Meeting in support of voting rights for DC, surely Congress is next! Isn't there a fine Farmer's Market right by the Natatorium just a few short blocks from the US Capitol?? For that matter, aren' t there a whole lot of watering holes right on Capitol Hill, places whose liquor licenses come up regularly before the Capitol Hill ANC? It's finally trading time, folks – veggies for votes! Beverages for ballots! Spirits for suffrage! Maybe we might start being full citizens AT LAST! We just never knew till now that we actually had tools we could use as leverage for full equality. Thank you, thank you, White house chefs! May your State Dinners ever be triumphs for DC voting rights!

Opera in the backfield - Mme Magpie went to the opera

We went by METRO, and at first we though there must be some kind of sports game playing simultaneously. Surely, this many excited people wouldn't be headed out to see Barber of Seville at the Washington National Stadium. Wrong! Thousands of young people, some out on dates, some bringing their own small children, and a sprinkling of seniors were out to have FUN. Most likely it was a record holder - starting off with kids, ages 3-7! A great many kids were there, behaving themselves magnificently. What a grand way to introduce children to opera - no fuss, no having to get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, no fear of doing something wrong, just a great time for them. We noticed that the children were having a wonderful time with all the opera's beautifully-choreographed high jinks; the enormous screen allowed all the fun little bits that escape far-away audiences - and there were plenty of high jinks, outrageous posturings and perfectly-timed horseplay that did not escape the eagle eyes of the young crowd. The size and breathtaking clarity of the screen is so great the it enables viewers to feel as if we're sitting right at the feet of the singers.

We had the ultimate retro ballgame treat - Crackerjacks! I won't share with you how long ago it was that I'd had my last box of Crackerjacks -- but time flew away as soon as that hauntingly familiar flavor wafted through my nostrils. At first it was hard to imagine combining high opera and Crackerjacks, but it soon became easy and then it seemed perfectly natural. (I have to admit, I once attended a Christmas Eve performance at the Met with a package of smelly smoked salmon tucked under my seat at my mother's request, ready to be taken home and eaten as pat of our post-opera holiday buffet). Ben's Chili Bowl repertoire is soon to be the accepted accompaniment to a night at the opera. Times have really changed!

Everyone was loose and easy at this performance, most especially including the excellent soloists. The one who shone the most brightly to this reviewer's eyes was Eric Owens, who played Don Basilio with exceptional zest. In addition to his big beautiful voice, it was clear that Owens was having a ball playing Don Basilio - with the screen so enormous, opera singers simply cannot hide their talent, or lack thereof from the audience. Owens was singing with a full rich, lustrous voice, AND he was having fun with his part. Total Winner in our book!

METRO cooperated by adding a special train at the end of the opera, and that smoothed out the return for all the riders we saw. A grand time was had by all.

Noah's Ark - let's throw a lifeline to laid-off DC Gov't employees living in DC

With hundreds of DC Government employees who live in the District now out of work, has anyone in the Administration thought of offering counseling to help ease their pain? I'm a volunteer with a group that provides bereavement counseling to families of homicide victims, and I know grieving when I see it. Or hear it. The night before last, a newly-laid off worker cried her heart out to me, and I know darn well she's typical of many more. Hasn't anyone in the Administration noticed that many former DC government employees now have PTSD? There are good ways and bad ways to lay people off, regardless of how well those now-unemployed persons performed, and DC seems to have chosen one of the more unfeeling ones, including escorting people out of the buildings in which they worked as if they were suddenly criminals. I think that's barbaric, and we can and should do better.

I call upon the Houses of Worship of this city, and the other helping professions to volunteer to counsel former DC Government employees. These folk need help in bringing to closure the work life they have just left, as well as help in envisioning and planning a new work life. Right now they feel worthless and unwanted. For many of those who have lost their job, the DC Government had been their only employer, and they were in no way prepared for being fired. A little compassion goes a long way.

There are plenty of other people being laid off as well, God knows, but the DC Government folk may be the largest single group of District residents who have lost their jobs. Let's reach out a hand of caring to them. DC Government - are you willing to join in and help the people you have let go learn how to cope with unemployment and the feelings of uselessness that losing a job brings on? Houses of Worship and the helping professions - can you take on this task? If the response is positive, an emergency committee to coordinate this counseling should be set up posthaste. I'd call this program Noah's Ark, because we're all in this boat together.

A local hero remembered with a poem

I had the privilege of working with some wonderful folk when I was the City's Patient Advocate for everyone in drug or alcohol treatment. One of those persons, now gone, has been on my mind lately. I've been thinking about Nap "Don't Forget the Blues" Turner, magical blues musician. Not a saint, but he spent hours upon hours of his time helping addicts make it into sobriety. He knew it could be done because he had been down that path himself. Nap spent some time at St. E's, and while there ,came upon a stash of bent and dented old musical instruments. He had wanted to learn how to play an instrument for years, but never before had the opportunity. Bingo! Surely, they were a gift from God, he told me, a Heavenly indication that he ought to clean up his act. And so he did. It turns out that John Philip Sousa himself had stored these instruments at St. E's, and no one remembered about them until Nap uncovered the cache. He learned how to play and how to sing as a result of his discovery. Once cleaned up, he was not only a wonderful example of success for people who were truly struggling, he was also an important member of DC's artistic heritage. Do you remember his Saturday morning program on WPFW - The 'Bama Hour - Don't Forget the Blues"? I think he played Meet Me With Your Black Drawers On about once a month on the air - that tradition made me laugh every time. I'll never forget him coming to an office where I had just started work on a political campaign. It was my birthday, and I resented not being able to take the day off. The huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers he carried in brought sunshine to my soul. Nap was a true gentleman.

A SILLY FOR A SICK POET

Let's be silly.

An old raggedy gritty day

don't deserve no power

not even if I see you all hunched over

sneakin a peek round the door

past the corner of your eye

lookin for that last Horseman

the one with the scythe,

an you castin for one good charm

one extra-strong curse

that'll do the trick.

I know you.

Don't bother -

not needed.

Instead

let's thumb our noses

twaddle them in our ears

care away the grey, the sullen day

spit in its eye

stamp on the sidewalk's lines

and dare the bears.

Let's watch wrestlers on TV

and bet on the yellow tights -

let's play Hearts -

the one who cheats the most

wins.

Let's shout mysterious words

we just made up,

and laugh

Todays a day for tickles

nickels

pickles

wishes

fishes

romulo

romulo

rumph,

SURPRISE!

You gonna be just fine.

I wrote the poem for him at the very beginning of what proved to be a fatal illness. It made him feel better at the time - hope you enjoy it, too.

Detox has been closed - when can we expect the first death?

Well, well, well! And where are addicts and drunks supposed to get emergency help now? Don't count on Detox any more, because it's been shut down. From forty to eighty persons used to be helped to detoxify themselves over a week followed by a week's stay while planning a program-assisted turnaround.

Now, only ten beds are available at P.I. - Washington, and then only for two days. I call that a housing program, not a recovery program.

So, what will happen to the folk who depended on Detox? Some of them just won't make it, I'm afraid. I think that a likely outcome is that deaths will occur that are attributable to the lack of an effective, sizable and recovery-oriented detoxification unit. Already people are showing up at the Detox site without the will or the money necessary for getting across and uptown and getting into PI - Washington. God help the poor addicts of this city. No one else, in my opinion, cares for them at all.

Who is responsible for this outrage? In my opinion, lay it at David Catania's feet. He has been after the discontinuation of direct substance abuse treatment by the District Government for a long time. And now he has gotten his way - creating misery in the process, misery for which he is responsible. His objective - contracting everything out - does not, in my opinion, meet the needs of the kind of patient APRA treated. It is classic right-wing Republican dogma to do away with as many government-run programs as possible, especially in fields like substance abuse treatment and prevention and mental health. Punishment is all addicts and alcoholics deserve, in this vindictive worldview. As a result, APRA staffers are now going through a very significant RIF, along with many others both in the Departments of Health and Mental Health. Some of the best and kindest DC Government employees I've ever known worked at APRA, and I should know because I served as APRA's Patient Advocate for 18 years before I retired. That job, too, has been eliminated, and now there's no one left looking out any longer for the needs and rights of some of this city's most vulnerable patients. And let's not trick ourselves into believing that DC taxpayers won't have to pay good money when wrongful death lawsuits are lost because of these policies. You will, oh, yes, you will! It's a sorry, crying shame

Do our veterans deserve this?

Recently, my husband went and signed up for veterans benefits at the VA Hospital just opposite the Washington Hospital Center. A Vietnam vet with the medals to show it, he had heard that all vets who had served in the Vietnam theater of operations were now eligible for medical assistance, due to presumed exposure to Agent Orange. Grand! He had gotten no benefits before, so this seemed like a step in the right direction.

His positive feeling turned into a lump in the stomach when the doctor giving him a physical asked him why he had applied for benefits. My husband said it was because he had been exposed to Agent Orange and was worried about it (apparently, no less than twelve diseases are related to Agent Orange in some way). The physician looked blank and asked my husband, "What IS Agent Orange?" H wasn't kidding, folks! He really didn't know. What kind of a health system do our vets have, anyway?

The evening was perfection-moon and candidate shone

It was the full moon that made it, of course. We were at a political meet-and-greet, held on the rooftop of one of the District's tallest buildings. The city stretched out in all directions, anchored east and west by the ancient silhouettes of cathedrals - Washington National Cathedral and the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception - while to the north, radio towers shot ruby light our way, and to the south the distant Airforce Memorial burst toylike against the soft evening sky. No breeze at all, the temperature as perfect as possible.

But it was the full moon that enchanted us. It glowed over us, over the candidate, holding us willing hostage to a moment of beauty. The campaign speech was modest, brief and positive; it didn't begrudge its setting. A campaign organization so smart as to arrange an outdoor function on a crystal clear evening with a full-moon backdrop is one to watch with interest. What will it do next, and what is its candidate capable of doing once in office? The evening's perfection deserves respect; Clark Ray is the candidate.