WHEN WILL THE DC GOVT STOP DISSING APPLE USERS?

Mme. Magpie is pissed off. She is of the Apple persuasion, and the DC Government continually and ridiculously discriminates against those of us who are Apple users. It has got to stop.

She was trying to look up the DC Code a few days ago. The DC Code is comprised of the regulations that actually govern this city, regulations based upon the laws passed by the City Council. She found the code and noticed that that it was quite out of date - how about no later than January of - tada - 2006. She was not surprised about this; she would have been more surprised if they were up to date. (Being up-to-date is not part of the DC Government's DNA.) The only enabling cookies are for three different versions of Internet Explorer and four different versions of Netscape Navigator. Nothing native for Mac users, and no open platforms, either. There are a lot of great charts - at least she ASSUMES they are great charts - that the city's technocrats put out. Many of them are totally unavailable to Mac users.

This is not an accident, folks. The Office of DC's Chief Technology Officer is fully involved in keeping DC Apfel-frei. It ha a 15 page listing of its "Technology Standards at a Glance" (stet - maybe that's a little mean, but 15 pages is hardly a glance!) It covers everything you could think of - software, hardware, operating systems, etc., etc, etc. Its sole major reference to Apple is under the heading Desktop Operating Systems. Is Madame Magpie incorrect in thinking that this reference is remarkably frosty to the Apple world? How about an arctic Zero Degrees Fahrenheit in approval level? The quote speaks for itself , "The District has standardized on Intel-based personal computers. Apple computers can only be purchased upon approval by OCTO." And perhaps Hell might need a new furnace before that approval is ever achieved.

It's not that Mme. Magpie is unaware of this rank prejudice. It isn't the first time Mme. Magpie's beloved Apple has been dissed by the District Government. Back when she was working for the District Government, she was refused permission to buy an Apple. So she brought in her own in order to avoid having to learn how to use a system she disapproves of in close to religious terms. (Her fingers don't do Windows – never have and never will.) That heresy caused her to be banned from her agency's internal LAN.

At first, Mme. Magpie was aggravated by being left out of the loop of information, but it was not long before she realized she had, in fact, been blessed! Was her agency's LAN not filled with some of the most boring bureaucratic prose known to Western civilization? It was. Did not Mme. Magpie have better things to do with her time than read poorly-written bureaucratic blather about topics of genuinely little interest? She certainly did. She set up own website at no cost, and spent the hours she would have had to devote to reading bureaucratic nonsense masquerading as trivia, and instead went about the much more fascinating business of helping people who had actually come to the District Government seeking help. A revolutionary sentiment, Mme. Magpie assures you. In fact, she managed to finagle an Apple in a grant she obtained - an Apple that she well remembers never once fell comatose due to a virus - and when she retired, she was ordered to take the Apple home with her, as the DC Government wanted to remove the Apple pollutant once and forever.

My, how the DC Government loves PCs! It knows winners when it sees them, doesn't it? I'd call OCTO a slow learner, but then no less than three OCTO employees, including OCTO's own chief were arrested this spring by the FBI. For bribery and embezzlement, no less. Apparently OCTO's Chief spent his time focusing on matters other than deciding that the Apple platform is not poisonous, a belief held today only by the DC Government. ( Mme. Magpie suspects that OCTOgenarians still wear garlic to ward off the Devil and bad humors!) The DC Government may not like or want its employees to use Apples, but it is quite another thing to extend its prejudices to the general public, ALL of whom it is supposed to be serving. Mme. Magpie wonders if DC Government employees are allowed to answer telephone calls made on iPhones . . .

THE NEW CODE OF OFFICIAL CONDUCT IS SOOO TOUGH!

Folks, we’ve been hearing quite a lot lately about the DC’s new Code of Official Conduct, haven’t we?! Barely in place, and badaboom, it’s already been in a train wreck. (Sorry, METRO, I wasn’t talking about you!) Aren’t you curious to know exactly what is now required of the City Council and its staff? Don’t you wonder just a little how something like taking a bribe might be disallowed? And possibly you are curious about the penalties. The penalties, now doesn’t the idea of penalties make your mouth water? Gotta be some juicy penalties, you know – hard time, big fines, even a perp walk before cameras, all the good stuff?! Right? Wrong.

Just to help you know what actually is being regulated for the first time (we won’t go so far as to say being outlawed, actually), Mme. Magpie thought you might like to see what the Code of Official Conduct looks like. Printing the actual bills that are passed always seems to be too much effort for our local press to share with the public – they NEVER print the laws, they only comment on them – but Mme. Magpie has tracked down the actual bill and distilled the juicy parts out for your review. Or amusement, depending on your point of view. The critical parts of the new Code of Official Conduct are as follows:

(a) Councilmembers and Council staff shall maintain a high level of ethical conduct in connection with the performance of their official duties, and shall refrain from taking, ordering, or participating in any official action which would adversely affect the confidence of the public in the integrity of the District government. Council members shall strive to act solely in the public interest and not for any personal gain, or take an official action on a matter as to which he or she has a potential conflict of interest created by a personal, family, client or business interest, avoiding both actual and perceived conflicts of interest and preferential treatment.

(b) Councilmembers and Council staff shall take full responsibility for understanding and complying with the letter and spirit of all laws and regulations governing standards of conduct for District public officials, including those relating to conduct, conflict of interest, gifts, disclosures, campaign finance, political activity and freedom of information.

(c) Councilmembers and Council staff shall specifically adhere to the Council Code of Official Conduct that lists the core ethical principles that build public trust in government.

I mean, folks, this is really gutsy stuff. My favorite part is where they’re ordered “to strive to act solely in the public interest”. That really gets me in the heart strings. Could it be that taking a bribe might not be striving? Who knows? And who cares, if the Code doesn’t lay out any penalties?!

Mme. Magpie needs to fan herself – she is overcome by the excitement that breaking the Code induces. Gosh, she thought that The Wire was the last word in criminal activity – she is astonished to learn that we have REAL official crime going on right here in DC, (we never knew) and, boy! is our Code of Official Conduct on the job. What will we find out next? Can't wait! Wasn't it a member of New York's Tammany Hall who said only a century ago,"I seen my opportunities, and I took 'em!"

AT AN ACCIDENT SCENE: WHAT DID I SEE? WHAT DID I LEARN?

Yesterday, I was present at an accident. In truth, I didn’t see it, as I wasn’t the driver, and I was crocheting. But it did happen in front of us as we were waiting at a red light, the fourth car in line. The light changed, two cars tried to occupy the same space simultaneously, and wham, bam, the two cars were badly damaged in the intersection. I learned at least four important lessons from what happened next.

We immediately pulled our car to the side of the road just as two women dragged themselves out from one of the two damaged cars. Neither was bleeding. While one seemed all right, her companion was definitely in pain. With the help of her friend, she hobbled in my direction to the side of the road, eyes closed and moaning. I started to search for my first aid kit, but I couldn’t find it during the first critical moments. We had bought a new car five months previously, and I didn’t know where my first aid kit had been relocated. I rushed over with a pillow, but she didn’t want to lie down. She was still standing up, moaning, when I heard first responder medical staff approaching.

When I finally did find the kit, the first responder medical vehicles then arriving made my small offering unneeded. It was too late to be of any medical use to the victims.

What did I learn about first aid equipment?

• Different kinds of accidents have different first-aid needs. The first aid kit wasn’t needed at this one. But a disposable blow-up pillow and disposable sheets and blankets would have been useful. Get them.

• Know where to find first aid equipment.

• Make sure that site is easily accessible, even if your car is the one that has been damaged

I also realized that if there had been intensive bleeding, I was no longer adequately-prepared to address such a situation on my own. I am a DC CERT member – that’s a national program to provide community residents with triage and emergency response training in case of some grave emergency. In fact, I have gone through the full training twice. But I realized that that training is limited in scope and depth, and needs annual repetition to competently deal with emergency situations. This is especially true if the situation could possibly potentially involve a life and death matter.

What did I learn about training?

• In all cases, remember that the first duty is to do no harm.

• Do not act on partly-remembered training.

• Realize the limits of even fully-remembered training and don't attempt more than minimal assistance in a situation when professional help will surely be coming quickly

• Retrain annually.

The third thing I learned was that I had only focused on the victims from one of the cars. I paid no attention to the people in the other involved car. I only saw one of them, a man standing by himself, and had no idea if he had been hurt. As the accident was pretty nasty, he or any of his unseen companions could well have been. Looking back, of course I should have taken the initiative and gone to check on the victim of the other car as well to see if he, or any others in his party, had been injured. Why hadn’t I? Partly because the two women had headed in my direction, while the man stood still. But also, I think I felt that his car was to blame for the accident (on what evidence, I’m not sure). That made me feel hostile, so I didn’t go and ask him how he was feeling. Upon reflection, of course that made no sense. Pain knows no boundaries of any kind, and once the accident happened, all victims were equally entitled to whatever help that I or anyone else could have given.

What did I learn about who should get help?

• Pay no attention to the question of fault – that’s someone else’s job

• Check all cars and the surrounding land for potential victims

• Make sure I give help fairly and strictly in terns of triage

Finally, as we stood by the side of the accident, my husband talked to the to the man whose car was first in line. He had had a complete view of the accident that had unfolded in front of him. My husband asked this fellow what he had seen. It was immediately clear that the best possible witness had no sense at all of what he must have seen. His description of what he thought had happened was seriously impossible, geographically, time-sequentially and physically. What he thought he had seen did not correspond in any way with either the position of the cars or the placement of the extensive damage.

What did I learn about witnesses?

• Memory is not to be trusted

• Nor is the judgment of a witness

• Looking at the clock to determine when an accident happened would be helpful.

• So would a pad of paper to take notes and make a quick sketch.

• A disposable camera can be really helpful, and possibly a dedicated emergency phone

Probably the most important thing Mme. Magpie learned from this incident is sequencing reactions to an accident. The duty of a bystander should flow as follows: The first duty is to think about how soon first responders may take to arrive and with what level of assistance. An accident in the middle of nowhere needs a different level of help than an accident at the corner of two major city streets. The next duty is figure out how much needs to be done before professional assistance arrives and how much help any training the bystander has to offer is appropriate, based on these estimates. The final duty is to act with restraint and in accordance with all the limitations noted.

Mme. Magpie hopes that this learning process will allow an injured person the opportunity to get better quickly and fully – accident-related injuries are much less fun to contemplate than bright, sparkly jewels.

Dog Park Heaven

It was about time, only twenty-odd years – and by God they WERE odd years – for the Dog Park to emerge at 17th and S Streets NW. I suppose that other births have taken longer (voting representation in Congress for example), but the struggle over the future of that smallish triangle of land was titanic.

The problem was that everyone had ideas on how that precious land should be used, and the idea folk were, all of them, quite rabid on their subject. There were off-the-leash dog people, and baby/small child people, and neighbors who went to bed early, and neighbors who definitely didn't want sleeping done there, etc., etc. Everyone had graduate degrees in public speaking or lawyering or sermon delivery, everyone had taken part in college Debate Club or had preached in Hyde Park or had become skilled speakers for (or against) anarchism or Transcendental Meditation, almost everyone could outshout Ethel Merman or Rush Limbaugh. And all were willing to show off their skills. Politicians took one look at the problem and decided there was no marked advantage to be had by taking up the cudgel for one or another position, and so ran off, promises fading into nothingness as they retreated to the relative sanity of a 17th Street watering hole.

So it was a miracle that the Dog Park came into actuality. It is a classy production, and the dogs love it. They have everything they could possibly want, short of a paw-driven dog biscuit-dispensing machine. Water, a hill that soaks up dog urine, and lots of other pooches to play with. Thirty to fifty dogs can be found there in weekend prime time, swirling around to imaginary music only they can hear. Their owners look almost as ecstatic as the dogs – they get to socialize as well. Even those without dogs have something just for them, an elegant gathering spot just ouside the southwesternmost corner of the Dog Park. There, the dogless ones can congregate and chat of matters non-canine. My late Irish Wolfhound, Ború of sacred memory, would have felt he was in Heaven. But of course, he IS in Heaven now! The sophisticated dogs now enjoying the Dupont Circle Dogpark at 17th and S may view Heaven's offerings with a bit of jaundice. They've already seen the best that Washington has to offer.

It would be a fair trade - shop DC, drink DC = vote DC

So I understand that the White House would like to have a Farmer's Market conveniently nearby. Perhaps Michele Obama wants to slip over to Vermont Avenue to squeeze the squashes, grip the grapes or even pinch the peaches. Well and good. Let's help her do that. But I think there should be some corresponding effort on their part, and I know just the thing...

How about some White House support for DC voting rights in exchange for the ANC's approval of the Farmer's Market? Not an unreasonable trade off, I think. If Michele wants to be The First Housewife, let her show that she's also our First Voter. This is DC's opportunity, folks – maybe our only one. So let's make the most of it!!

To get a Farmer's Market going on Vermont Avenue, so close to the White House that she could get there without having to cross any major streets, the local ANC has to give approval. Elected folks from DC at last have their votes mean something! WOW!! It may never happen again, so we better use this opportunity UP! We got 'em over the barrel for the first and probably only time in the whole century. Let's think fast, now.

Do we have veggies so lovely and so tasty we could trade them for voting rights to make us like the rest of the country, no longer just, dare I say it, ...a COLONY! There's some fine fennel oand beautiful basil at the Dupont Circle Farmers' Market, both the color of "GO 'on DC traffic lights (the ones that turn green for her whenever she comes through). How about some deeply flavored late tomatoes, precisely the same color as the red in the DC flag? That sounds pretty good to me.

Next comes the tricky part. Once we know what she REALLY wants to have for dinner AND what's fresh at her neighborhood Farmers' Market, we'll have to deny it to her until and unless she promises to give real, serious support for genuine home rule in DC! We finally have some juice, folks, and I can see voting rights coming straight our way.

Now let's take this issue to the next level, friends. If the ANC can get the White House chefs to speak up at the ANC Meeting in support of voting rights for DC, surely Congress is next! Isn't there a fine Farmer's Market right by the Natatorium just a few short blocks from the US Capitol?? For that matter, aren' t there a whole lot of watering holes right on Capitol Hill, places whose liquor licenses come up regularly before the Capitol Hill ANC? It's finally trading time, folks – veggies for votes! Beverages for ballots! Spirits for suffrage! Maybe we might start being full citizens AT LAST! We just never knew till now that we actually had tools we could use as leverage for full equality. Thank you, thank you, White house chefs! May your State Dinners ever be triumphs for DC voting rights!

Opera in the backfield - Mme Magpie went to the opera

We went by METRO, and at first we though there must be some kind of sports game playing simultaneously. Surely, this many excited people wouldn't be headed out to see Barber of Seville at the Washington National Stadium. Wrong! Thousands of young people, some out on dates, some bringing their own small children, and a sprinkling of seniors were out to have FUN. Most likely it was a record holder - starting off with kids, ages 3-7! A great many kids were there, behaving themselves magnificently. What a grand way to introduce children to opera - no fuss, no having to get dressed up in uncomfortable clothes, no fear of doing something wrong, just a great time for them. We noticed that the children were having a wonderful time with all the opera's beautifully-choreographed high jinks; the enormous screen allowed all the fun little bits that escape far-away audiences - and there were plenty of high jinks, outrageous posturings and perfectly-timed horseplay that did not escape the eagle eyes of the young crowd. The size and breathtaking clarity of the screen is so great the it enables viewers to feel as if we're sitting right at the feet of the singers.

We had the ultimate retro ballgame treat - Crackerjacks! I won't share with you how long ago it was that I'd had my last box of Crackerjacks -- but time flew away as soon as that hauntingly familiar flavor wafted through my nostrils. At first it was hard to imagine combining high opera and Crackerjacks, but it soon became easy and then it seemed perfectly natural. (I have to admit, I once attended a Christmas Eve performance at the Met with a package of smelly smoked salmon tucked under my seat at my mother's request, ready to be taken home and eaten as pat of our post-opera holiday buffet). Ben's Chili Bowl repertoire is soon to be the accepted accompaniment to a night at the opera. Times have really changed!

Everyone was loose and easy at this performance, most especially including the excellent soloists. The one who shone the most brightly to this reviewer's eyes was Eric Owens, who played Don Basilio with exceptional zest. In addition to his big beautiful voice, it was clear that Owens was having a ball playing Don Basilio - with the screen so enormous, opera singers simply cannot hide their talent, or lack thereof from the audience. Owens was singing with a full rich, lustrous voice, AND he was having fun with his part. Total Winner in our book!

METRO cooperated by adding a special train at the end of the opera, and that smoothed out the return for all the riders we saw. A grand time was had by all.

Noah's Ark - let's throw a lifeline to laid-off DC Gov't employees living in DC

With hundreds of DC Government employees who live in the District now out of work, has anyone in the Administration thought of offering counseling to help ease their pain? I'm a volunteer with a group that provides bereavement counseling to families of homicide victims, and I know grieving when I see it. Or hear it. The night before last, a newly-laid off worker cried her heart out to me, and I know darn well she's typical of many more. Hasn't anyone in the Administration noticed that many former DC government employees now have PTSD? There are good ways and bad ways to lay people off, regardless of how well those now-unemployed persons performed, and DC seems to have chosen one of the more unfeeling ones, including escorting people out of the buildings in which they worked as if they were suddenly criminals. I think that's barbaric, and we can and should do better.

I call upon the Houses of Worship of this city, and the other helping professions to volunteer to counsel former DC Government employees. These folk need help in bringing to closure the work life they have just left, as well as help in envisioning and planning a new work life. Right now they feel worthless and unwanted. For many of those who have lost their job, the DC Government had been their only employer, and they were in no way prepared for being fired. A little compassion goes a long way.

There are plenty of other people being laid off as well, God knows, but the DC Government folk may be the largest single group of District residents who have lost their jobs. Let's reach out a hand of caring to them. DC Government - are you willing to join in and help the people you have let go learn how to cope with unemployment and the feelings of uselessness that losing a job brings on? Houses of Worship and the helping professions - can you take on this task? If the response is positive, an emergency committee to coordinate this counseling should be set up posthaste. I'd call this program Noah's Ark, because we're all in this boat together.

A local hero remembered with a poem

I had the privilege of working with some wonderful folk when I was the City's Patient Advocate for everyone in drug or alcohol treatment. One of those persons, now gone, has been on my mind lately. I've been thinking about Nap "Don't Forget the Blues" Turner, magical blues musician. Not a saint, but he spent hours upon hours of his time helping addicts make it into sobriety. He knew it could be done because he had been down that path himself. Nap spent some time at St. E's, and while there ,came upon a stash of bent and dented old musical instruments. He had wanted to learn how to play an instrument for years, but never before had the opportunity. Bingo! Surely, they were a gift from God, he told me, a Heavenly indication that he ought to clean up his act. And so he did. It turns out that John Philip Sousa himself had stored these instruments at St. E's, and no one remembered about them until Nap uncovered the cache. He learned how to play and how to sing as a result of his discovery. Once cleaned up, he was not only a wonderful example of success for people who were truly struggling, he was also an important member of DC's artistic heritage. Do you remember his Saturday morning program on WPFW - The 'Bama Hour - Don't Forget the Blues"? I think he played Meet Me With Your Black Drawers On about once a month on the air - that tradition made me laugh every time. I'll never forget him coming to an office where I had just started work on a political campaign. It was my birthday, and I resented not being able to take the day off. The huge, beautiful bouquet of flowers he carried in brought sunshine to my soul. Nap was a true gentleman.

A SILLY FOR A SICK POET

Let's be silly.

An old raggedy gritty day

don't deserve no power

not even if I see you all hunched over

sneakin a peek round the door

past the corner of your eye

lookin for that last Horseman

the one with the scythe,

an you castin for one good charm

one extra-strong curse

that'll do the trick.

I know you.

Don't bother -

not needed.

Instead

let's thumb our noses

twaddle them in our ears

care away the grey, the sullen day

spit in its eye

stamp on the sidewalk's lines

and dare the bears.

Let's watch wrestlers on TV

and bet on the yellow tights -

let's play Hearts -

the one who cheats the most

wins.

Let's shout mysterious words

we just made up,

and laugh

Todays a day for tickles

nickels

pickles

wishes

fishes

romulo

romulo

rumph,

SURPRISE!

You gonna be just fine.

I wrote the poem for him at the very beginning of what proved to be a fatal illness. It made him feel better at the time - hope you enjoy it, too.

Detox has been closed - when can we expect the first death?

Well, well, well! And where are addicts and drunks supposed to get emergency help now? Don't count on Detox any more, because it's been shut down. From forty to eighty persons used to be helped to detoxify themselves over a week followed by a week's stay while planning a program-assisted turnaround.

Now, only ten beds are available at P.I. - Washington, and then only for two days. I call that a housing program, not a recovery program.

So, what will happen to the folk who depended on Detox? Some of them just won't make it, I'm afraid. I think that a likely outcome is that deaths will occur that are attributable to the lack of an effective, sizable and recovery-oriented detoxification unit. Already people are showing up at the Detox site without the will or the money necessary for getting across and uptown and getting into PI - Washington. God help the poor addicts of this city. No one else, in my opinion, cares for them at all.

Who is responsible for this outrage? In my opinion, lay it at David Catania's feet. He has been after the discontinuation of direct substance abuse treatment by the District Government for a long time. And now he has gotten his way - creating misery in the process, misery for which he is responsible. His objective - contracting everything out - does not, in my opinion, meet the needs of the kind of patient APRA treated. It is classic right-wing Republican dogma to do away with as many government-run programs as possible, especially in fields like substance abuse treatment and prevention and mental health. Punishment is all addicts and alcoholics deserve, in this vindictive worldview. As a result, APRA staffers are now going through a very significant RIF, along with many others both in the Departments of Health and Mental Health. Some of the best and kindest DC Government employees I've ever known worked at APRA, and I should know because I served as APRA's Patient Advocate for 18 years before I retired. That job, too, has been eliminated, and now there's no one left looking out any longer for the needs and rights of some of this city's most vulnerable patients. And let's not trick ourselves into believing that DC taxpayers won't have to pay good money when wrongful death lawsuits are lost because of these policies. You will, oh, yes, you will! It's a sorry, crying shame

Do our veterans deserve this?

Recently, my husband went and signed up for veterans benefits at the VA Hospital just opposite the Washington Hospital Center. A Vietnam vet with the medals to show it, he had heard that all vets who had served in the Vietnam theater of operations were now eligible for medical assistance, due to presumed exposure to Agent Orange. Grand! He had gotten no benefits before, so this seemed like a step in the right direction.

His positive feeling turned into a lump in the stomach when the doctor giving him a physical asked him why he had applied for benefits. My husband said it was because he had been exposed to Agent Orange and was worried about it (apparently, no less than twelve diseases are related to Agent Orange in some way). The physician looked blank and asked my husband, "What IS Agent Orange?" H wasn't kidding, folks! He really didn't know. What kind of a health system do our vets have, anyway?

The evening was perfection-moon and candidate shone

It was the full moon that made it, of course. We were at a political meet-and-greet, held on the rooftop of one of the District's tallest buildings. The city stretched out in all directions, anchored east and west by the ancient silhouettes of cathedrals - Washington National Cathedral and the Shrine of the Immaculate Conception - while to the north, radio towers shot ruby light our way, and to the south the distant Airforce Memorial burst toylike against the soft evening sky. No breeze at all, the temperature as perfect as possible.

But it was the full moon that enchanted us. It glowed over us, over the candidate, holding us willing hostage to a moment of beauty. The campaign speech was modest, brief and positive; it didn't begrudge its setting. A campaign organization so smart as to arrange an outdoor function on a crystal clear evening with a full-moon backdrop is one to watch with interest. What will it do next, and what is its candidate capable of doing once in office? The evening's perfection deserves respect; Clark Ray is the candidate.