A Rant on Bureaucracy and Citizen Expectations; A Record Wait

The western entrance to the alley behind my house has just been re-opened after having been closed since October. Yes, October. What happened, and what took them nearly a half a year to fix? Well, it seems that they managed to either find or break a leaking pipe while "fixing" the road at which the alley debouches. This was a hitherto-unknown 48" pipe. We are not talking about a tiny little pipe here, folks.

It's hard to believe that a pipe of such magnitude could be unknown to WASA. Surely, they should have known about it, given that it must be a working pipe. We know that, of course, because it was leaking. Okay, so they broke an unknown, working 48'' pipe. Not starting off well. It doesn't get better.

Why didn't they fix it right away? They said there was no money in the budget. Because this isn't exactly the first time that a hitherto-unknown pipe has been broken while a DC street is being fixed (uh oh, I used the wrong word - "fixed" doesn't seem to be the operating reality here) let's say "worked on", wouldn't they place a certain amount in the budget for, let's call them "contingencies"? Wouldn't that be good planning? I guess not.

And given that they had stalled working on it since last October, wouldn't you think that people in the community, possibly people with rear access to their dwelling places on that very alley might have noticed with some displeasure that the situation wasn't getting fixed and demanded a meeting to find out why and to call for swift action? It's a no-brainer that the surest way to encourage severel outrage on the part of an affected community is to ignore it.

In fact, more than four months after the alley was closed, a meeting finally took place and WASA's top brass came. Does it matter that the top brass didn't seem to know the area to begin with, and then compounded this error by putting up an incorrect slide which indicated that "everything" had already been done between Mass. Avenue and S Street? This writer and the rest of the audience thought so. Theoretically, "everything" would include the alley entrance, but that of course, was the reason for the meeting. The audience, wasn't pleased, as a reader might well imagine. WASA finally brought the meeting to a close by promising that it would fix the problem and re-open the alley entrance within two weeks.

At the very end of two weeks, the alley re-opened to great rejoicing. The rejoicing was destined to last only a hot moment, unfortunately.

We had been tricked once again! Within the WEEK , the very area where the alley opened onto 18th and New Hampshire is ONCE MORE is being torn up - this time for electrical conduit problems. At the meeting with WASA, the residents ask if any work by any road-ripping entity might happen any time soon that would cause the area to be torn up once again ? Of course they did. And WASA's answer - of course - was no. It took less than a week for WASA's answer to be nullified once again, and for the orange bumpers and jackhammers to reappear. They're still there.

Is there ANYONE competent out there guarding our streets? Apparently, the correct answer to this not-so-difficult question is - of course not.

I REMEMBER THE SOON-TO-BE DEMOLISHED GREAT GATSBY HOUSE WELL

I was so sorry to read that the Great Gatsby House in Sands Point, Long Island, is going to be torn down. You see, I know that house well. I grew up in the Village of Sands Point, a child of the 40s and 50s there. At that time, Sands Point was dotted with enormous older mansions, some of which were even then closed , due to the cost of heating and the spiraling rise of real estate values.

As kids, we used to rise our bikes down the many bridle paths that crisscrossed the woods behind the mansions. We would find an unlocked window, climb in and play Hide and Go Seek. We would post one child to latch out for police cars. If he spotted any, his job was to shout, "Cheese it, the cops!" We would dash to our bikes and pedal swiftly down the bridle paths into the woods, where a police car couldn't follow I didn't care that if the police had caught up with us, my father – who was both the Mayor of Sands Point and as a result also the Police Chief – would certainly have been notified, and all hell would have broken loose at home. We had such fun, it was worth the risk! In fact, we were respectful of the Gatsby mansion and the other mansions we played Hide and Go Seek in. No trash and no damage. Only memories.

I can't imagine today that children would be given the hours of unrestricted freedom that we enjoyed and considered to be our right as kids. It is a great shame that all these links to a storied past are being destroyed.. (Too bad Jackie Kennedy isn't with us today to lead a push to save them. For the most part, the old mansions remain only in the memories of people my age and older, and we are getting fewer, of course. Soon there will be no physical signs that these glorious buildings ever existed and that glamorous parties once took place there.) Only the book will remain, unfortunately

That long-gone life is so different from the life I have lived for many years in DC that it seems entirely alien. Tonight, my son-in-law, an architect in the US Navy, has been ordered to return to Cairo to restart work to expand a US Navy-supported research hospital on tropical diseases. He will leave behind my 5-month old granddaughter and his wife, my daughter Alisoun. Now that's today's reality!

I want to report that "Mr. Thief" pleaded guilty today to "unlawful entry" at 4:30 AM one early morning in December into a house the Meehan family has been renovating in the Mt. Vernon Square area . He and an accomplice were placing our expensive carpenter tools in a bag when the police dogs found Mr. Thief hiding - his accomplice managed to get away.

I listened to Mr. Thief's lawyer as he explained to the judge that Mr.Thief, who lives about one block away, was simply looking for a warm place to stay when the police dogs found him. (I was, of course, checking to see how long the lawyer's nose was going to expand as he portrayed Mr. Thief as just in need of a little nap.) In fact, Mr. Thief was burgling an inhabited house; our carpenter crew was saving money and time by spending the night there. They called us to report that burglars were in the house; we reported it immediately to the MPD and drove over in three minutes to see what would happen.

Mr. Thief's lawyer never explained why or how it was that in search of warmth and safety in the pitch-black night, Mr. Thief chose to climb a 25 foot scaffold and break into our house. Wouldn't his home, one block away, have been a safer and more comfortable choice? He certainly didn't find a good place to try out in terms of warmth, as our building has no central heat yet; the plumbing work is still in progress. So there must have been another reason...

Maybe it was athletic record-seeking. Given that it was pitch black and that his own lawyer admitted that Mr. Thief was flying high on PCP while breaking in, it seemed to Mme. Magpie that the courtroom had just heard about a true athletic feat. How exciting! Surely the lawyer should have called one or more of our local sports TV channels to brag about this Olympic-quality climbing and entering event that had occurred. Perhaps his lawyer should submit this effort to the Guinness Book of Records for consideration! Let's Call it the Tallest Climb to Break and Enter while Totally Smashed on PCP. That might be a whole new category for future consideration by Mr. Thief, to occur at sites yet to be chosen other sites in the neighborhood.

Mr. Thief's lawyer also deserves recognition as someone who fully grasps the distinction between truthfulness and honesty, and consistently goes for the former, not the latter, provided he is shielded from legal repercussions. Not much shame there!

It seems that Mr. Thief has a honking-big local record of misdemeanors (breaks-ins, thievery and some more robust crimes as well - at least one felony) . As this record extends back for several decades according to the judge, maybe he has been in training for a good while. He should be getting pretty ripped and fit by now, especially considering that PCP can give its users strength much greater than a user would otherwise have. Maybe that's why climbing straight up 25 feet of scaffolding and then breaking a window and entering even though people were sleeping in the building were so easy and natural for him. Mr. Thief's lawyer did not mention that achievement. Nor did his lawyer mention even a single word about the swag bag he left, filled with stolen tools; do you suppose they were to used as a pillow? Too big and too bulky to take the place of a feather pillow, but excellent for adding more swash and buckle to his Guinness-level feat.

His lawyer did mention that he had been drug-free since February. It sounded pretty grand - three whole weeks! As Mme. Magpie served for 15 years a this city's Patient Advocate for all persons in substance abuse treatment, I was pleased – but not exactly thrilled. Knowing he had a court case coming up and that what his urine test showed would affect the judge's ruling could only have a beneficial, if temporary, effect on his potential for long-term sobriety.

But it doesn't seem that he's going to be away from the neighborhood long enough to make much of a dent in his habit. At least that is my professional experience. A more heavy-duty sentence, rather longer than those so often handed out to traffic-ticket offenders, would be more likely to bring about a conversion to sobriety. But we can all hope, can't we?! And shouldn't we, because he's going to be right back among us before the first forsythia bush blooms.

Let the neighborhood be warned, (if his history is news to you), that Mr. Thief's display of strength, pilferage and thievery can commence once again only thirty days from today. We should expect to learn of other attempts and successes when Mr. Thief gets out in thirty days, for that is all the time that he was sentenced to. He will not be allowed to enter our property at all, so he is likely to visit other neighborhood houses in search of a nearby, close-in, warm place to snuggle in, as his lawyer painted it - or to rob and loot, as this neighbor had the bad luck to underwrite. We are likely to see a lot of Mr. Thief, even before the weather gets spring-like. Do get ready. After all, justice seems to have gotten lost today. Or forgotten.

THE LAST GUN BATTLE OF STAB ALLEY NEEDS A PLAQUE

The street where I still live had a different moniker when my husband and I first moved there in 1969. While our block was officially named Corcoran Street, it was then part of the inner city, and the scene of a considerable variety of unsavory criminal activities. It was known to the local felonious set unofficially, if not in the eyes of the Post Office, as Stab Alley. Enough lawless actions were going on for it to have earned its nickname. Luckily, I was not afraid of Stab Alley. I loved its vibrancy, its gaminess and most especially, its nickname.

One early summer morning, I was minding my children – ­a toddler boy and a baby girl – when I heard sharp, popping noises. I went to investigate their source and character, carefully clutching the baby to my chest. In this still dangerous neighborhood, such a sound could mean almost anything, but my urban experience suggested a gun fight, possibly a battle of significant proportions!

My excitement mixed with a smidge of fear as I looked out my back window to check out what was happening. The action quickly became clear; the MPD was mounting a significant gun battle against The Man Who Lived Next Door and Who Was Running an Illegal Numbers Racket out of his garbage lid. Quickly, I called my husband at work and stuck my phone out the window so he could share in the full flavor of whatever was going to happen.

Until the week before the incident, I had not known why there was so much activity at that garbage can. I had just found out that this garbage lid was the recipient of a striking amount of passerby attention because it was the deposit and collection point for a large numbers operation, a pastime common to the Inner City at that time. Many of the shabby men who slipped through our alley daily, and who occasionally appeared at our back door to beg a sandwich or a glass of something cold to drink were steady customers of the Numbers Man. The police, too, had just found out.

The recipient of the police action was indignant, and clearly not of an inclination to surrender peacefully or quietly. He pulled out his own shotgun, and began to accentuate his indignation with lively shotgun bursts though his front door. And then his back door. The police responded in kind, but were apparently no better marksmen than he.

In this best of all possible worlds, no one was killed or even wounded, but when it was over, the neighborhood changed forever. The number games racket ceased to exist here, soon to be replaced by high stakes speculation in real estate. Yuppies found Corcoran and began to buy on the block. Gentrification set in inexorably and wiped Corcoran clean of its lively history.

My husband and I have now lived here longer than anyone else, and we think it is a shame for our street to have lost its former infamous nickname. The house that once lodged the numbers racket in its garbage can lid is now a quiet residence for out-of-town actors playing at the Source Theatre. To our knowledge, I am now the only person still alive who actually knows where the bullet holes of the Last Gun Battle of Stab Alley are lodged. This history deserves a plaque.

All ANCs Should Hold Sidewalk Shoveling Forums

Let's face it - the regs on the books regarding sidewalk snow removal are irrelevant and unenforceable. We need a whole new approach. The City isn't going to take care of this matter, so let's bring it to a level where something worthwhile could actually get done. ANC-based neighborhood forums on how to help ourselves would go a long way to helping Washingtonians dig out after future snowfalls. The ANCs are well-set up to handle this kind of thing and the size of area of concern is about the right size, too. As a former ANC Commissioner myself, I know that the community needs some serious attention to be paid to this important issue.

What we have traditionally done, and what doesn’t work well, is to try to go it alone. As it is now, each new snowfall is a new event, unrelated to any other - no cooperation, no memory. Not good. Each snowstorm comes as a big surprise to us, and we think that we'll handle it by ourselves and as we see fit. That really is a lousy approach and needs to change! Everyone who lives or works here has a longterm interest in making sure that sidewalk snow removal is handled efficiently and speedily. City government, local residents, business and community groups, property owners, tenants and lessees, everyone has a mutual interest and need to keep sidewalks clear. It seems hardly necessary to have to point out this mutuality of interest, but taking the next step – to develop actions plans together that could address these mutual needs on a block-by-block basis for an entire winter snow season – can hardly be over-supported.

Now that Snowmageddon has gotten stale and dirty, (even if it hasn’t yet disappeared), but before we've forgotten about it, it’s time to take a look at ways we could more easily make it through any further blizzards Mother Nature (an oxymoron if there ever was one!) may choose to hurl in our path. Individualists that we Americans are, we have not made significant use of available neighborhood-based group activities in the face of horrendous weather. This has left the politicians free to respond fairly ineptly without much in the way of repercussion. Surely that alone must leave us unsatisfied! Nor can we be entirely satisfied with how homeowners, lessees and tenants, in residential and commercial areas, have responded. While some responded heroically, others did nothing, certain that they would not be penalized. Because what seems fair in terms of shoveling has varied so much and has required little if any joint effort, sidewalk cleaning responses have in too many cases been ineffective and even infuriating.

We can do better, folks. We can organize, and we can plan. Washingtonians are good at that. It may be a first time we've ever made ANC-wide, season-long plans for dealing with winter weather, but it is long overdue. We can come up with many better ways to manage than what we have been doing until now.

NOTE: Our plans need to cover an entire winter season. Let’s accept once and for all that snow, ice, having to shovel and dig ourselves out cannot be counted on happening only once a year. If we could count on that, perhaps we could get away without a solid plan, but we still would be a lot more uncomfortable than we need to be.

To handle winter well, we have to be ready to respond at planned levels over an entire winter season. Our plan needs to be flexible enough to handle a range of winters, whether it be a warmish winter with only one big storm or a winter that keeps pounding us. Let’s start right now, because winter isn’t over yet by any means.

SHOVELING NEEDS AND SERVICES – FOR THE COMMUNITY, FOR INDIVIDUALS. FOR THE WHOLE WINTER

ANCs need to work at developing local plans to provide, over an entire winter season, locally-owned equipment and locally-staffed shoveling services on a timely and cost-effective basis to both businesses and residents. These cooperative shoveling agreements will need to cover an entire winter season. This would go far to make snowfalls less hazardous. It's overdue for business and community organizations of all kinds to start working together on a season-long snow plan.

Good planning starts asking the right questions. Here are a couple of general questions that need to be raised, as plans are being developed, followed by some more specific ones.

GENERAL QUESTIONS:

What should the city do and what should we be doing in terms of creating pedestrian pathways? We know that there are certain actions for which the City does bear responsibility. They include

• Cleaning up the sidewalks in front of its own property

• taking care of sidewalks at street intersections

• plowing entrances to alleys in such a way that they can be crossed by pedestrians

• cleaning sidewalks when property owners or lessees or persons in charge, don’t do itl (Hell will freeze over before this happens, of course!)

According to City Code, property owners,tenants, lessees and “persons in charge” (i.e., whoever is “in control” of the property) are equally responsible for cleaning sidewalks and taking care of hazardous tree conditions within 8 sunlit hours of the ceasing of a snow fall. it’s that simple. Practically speaking that means – at the absolute latest – no later than sundown two days after a late day snowfall. Or is it really so simple? How do we get more cooperation when those “persons in control” don’t do what they’re supposed to do?

•What are reasonable expectations of the business and residential communities in terms of speediness and thoroughness of shoveling? Leaving aside the City Code, what needs to be done, by whom, how well and how quickly? Can we work this out for the entire winter season?

•What can and should residential areas consider to be their responsibility, and equally importantly, what can and should commercial areas consider to be their responsibility? Are these levels of responsibility the same, and if not, how do they differ? Does responsibility stay at a constant level, or does it vary as time elapses after a snowfall? When and how can we be satisfied with what we have done, and what could we do better next time?

• Who needs shoveling help and can’t afford to do it? Who or what organization can take the lead job of identifying such people? What are fair criteria for getting placed on such a list, How will we reach them to let them know that help is available? One we have such a list, what will the ANCs do to get those who need help the help they need? And how will we make the help safe for those doing the work, ans well as for those receiving the aid?

•Can a useful list of critical sidewalks be developed? How would this be done fairly? If you made such a list, how would it be used? ? How do we want to handle snow shoveling of critical sidewalks - do we make others wait while we get the critical ones cleaned first?

Some specific questions to think about in developing a plan could include:

• Are there any existing plans for cooperative sidewalk snow shoveling? Do any local business organizations have an overall snow plan? If so, what is it? What does it include and what does it leave out - for instance, have any businesses united to buy shoveling services?

• Are there any similar plans in place in residential areas? What’s out there? Would the ANC be willing to do a survey to find this out?

• How can the needs of persons with disabilities be handled fairly and adequately? (This has been an entirely unaddressed area, and deserves recognition as a real problem; persons in wheelchairs or with crutches, for example, are pretty much totally confined inside, as sidewalks are seldom shoveled widely enough to enable them to emerge safely or even at all.)

• Where can we find reliable and reasonably-priced, locally-available shoveling services? How do we find this out? What local community-based organizations can provide help, and how can we make use of their services?

•is anybody willing to share (or loan or rent) existing equipment? Is there any local private or public organization that could share its existing equipment on an as-needed basis? If so, could a formalized and systematic arrangement be developed? Is there some place where people could donate and borrow shoveling equipment? What would the cost of warehousing and stockpiling be, and what about bonding and insurance? Would these be needed,and if so, would they be prohibitive?

• What’s a fair price for digging out sidewalks? Should it vary depending on terrain and size, age, weight and iciness of the snow, the amount of usage that sidewalk gets, or only by the ability of its owners/ lessees to pay? At what point should the sweeper get paid?

• Would the local business community be willing to go in together on buying snow-blowing equipment, paying to hire some kind of service to take care of sidewalks for an entire winter season, or organizing employees to jointly shovel? is a plan to buy snow-blowing equipment realistic? Would business areas be receptive to doing this? Would community-based organizations be willing to consider this as well for use in residential areas?

• What are the local sources for snow-clearing materials? Where do residents and businesses buy their snow-clearing needs? Could these businesses be asked to get together to provide a plan that would have enough assets to cover the winter? It's not easy to shovel when the hardware store runs out of shovels within a day, and doesn't re-supply quickly.

• How can alleys be made more accessible, given that a wall of snow engendered by a plow is a terrible setback to car owners? Is there some way to flatten the snow in the alley without making these walls?

• How do we handle dog poop when trash collection has essentially ceased? Is it fair for homeowners to find little blue bags or even worse, unbagged poop thrown onto their shoveled snow banks? That has been happening, and it just isn’t acceptable behavior.

BRINGING THE ISSUE TO THE PUBLIC

While only the District Government can issue a fine for non-shoveled sidewalks, and most likely will not do so, there are other ways of making an effective protest.One of the most galvanizing tools is the threat of public shame, or conversely the pleasure of public approval. When businesses were made aware that if they didn’t make a real effort to shovel that their lack of effort would be written up and published on the web, they hopped to it quickly and effectively. They didn’t want their lack of effort made public, at all, and quickly took care of the problem.

Praise is just as effective a tool, and businesses that did a good job of cleaning up were cited positively on the Web. Those businesses swiftly made this information public. Moral? A carrot and a stick both have their place, especially when the results are certain to be made public.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If we can organize quickly and highly effectively for an enormous snowball fight, surely we can use the same communications methods to help us deal with more seriously needed forms of labor – digging ourselves, our neighbors, our communities and businesses out of snow on an ongoing basis throughout the winter. Let’s give it a try. If we succeed, we’ll be much better prepared to develop and carry out plans on how the community can best react should there at some time be a serious incident involving danger to our homes or the city as a whole. Living in the District, we know it is wise to be prepared. Shovel away, fellow citizens!

Getting Caught Up: First; SNOW REGS –First and last word

Given that snow removal is just about all that anyone is talking about these days, Mme. Magpie thought you might make good use of her thoughts on how the regs do or do not work in actuality, and accompanied by the ACTUAL CODE ITSELF. That should end some arguments,!

OVERALL REQUIREMENTS – . DC Code requires that sidewalks be cleaned within eight hours of the end of a snowfall. It doesn’t care who does it – it simply requires that the job to be taken care of, quickly and safely. It hopes you will want to do the right thing. And if you don’t, it will do the job and sue you.

Of course, the certainty of disapproval and anger by neighbors forced to make use of uncleared and dangerous sidewalks ought to be an even greater spur to doing the right thing than the failure to adhere to city code. And whether the City is going to clear and sue if you don’t do the job is unclear, unspecified – and unsupported in city history. At least, on paper, it has a requirement to do so.

RESPONSIBILITY - Who is responsible for the cleaning? The city’s broom sweeps wide here (pun, pun) It does not limit this requirement to owners; tenants, occupants, lessees or even “otherwise” are all included in this requirement. The key words are “in charge or in control” The specific language reads as follows: (The words below in bold are ones which are defined in the code.)

DC ST § 9-601 (Snow) Removal from sidewalks by owner or occupant of abutting property.

It shall be the duty of every person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate in charge or control of any building or lot of land within the fire limits of the District of Columbia, fronting or abutting on a paved sidewalk, whether as owner, tenant, occupant, lessee, or otherwise, within the first 8 hours of daylight after the ceasing to fall of any snow or sleet, to remove and clear away, or cause to be removed and cleared away, such snow or sleet from so much of said sidewalk as is in front of or abuts on said building or lot of land.

ALTERNATIVES - What if you are facing fifty feet of solid ice because you waited too long and it is just too much and too dangerous? Are there any alternatives? Yes, there are – at least temporarily. If you can’t remove it because of ” hardening”, you still have to make it reasonably safe for travel. You will have to put out sand or ashes within eight hours, and then clean up as soon as possible. The specific language reads as follows: (The words in bold are defined in the code.)

DC ST § 9-604. Temporary use of sand and ashes.

In case the snow, sleet, and ice cannot be removed from so much of the paved sidewalks within the fire limits of the District of Columbia as front upon or abut such buildings or lots of land as are not owned or held by lease by the District of Columbia or the United States without injury to said sidewalks, because of the hardening thereof, the person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate in charge or control of such buildings or lots of land, whether as owner, tenant, occupant, lessee, or otherwise, shall, within the first 8 hours of daylight after the same has formed, make reasonably safe for travel, or cause to be made reasonably safe for travel, by the sprinkling of sand or ashes thereon, said sidewalks, and shall, as soon thereafter as the weather shall permit, thoroughly clean said sidewalks.

IF YOU DON’T CLEAN, WILL THE CITY? - It says it will. The City has the duty of removing snow if those in charge or control don’t do it. The Code doesn’t say what part of the City Government will be responsible for identifying, reporting, ranking or cleaning untouched sidewalks, but DDOT seems like the logical agency. (Perhaps ANCs could be asked to give the city some help in identifying and ranking critical neighborhood paths. ) The specific language reads as follows: (The words below in bold are ones defined in the code.)

DC ST § 9-605 Failure of owner or occupant to remove--Removal by Mayor.

In the event of the failure of any person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate to remove or cause to be removed such snow or ice from the saidsidewalks, or to make the same reasonably safe for travel, or cause the same to be made reasonably safe for travel, as hereinbefore provided, it shall be the duty of the Mayor of the District of Columbia, as soon as practicable after the expiration of the time herein provided for the removal thereof, or for the making of the saidsidewalks reasonably safe for travel, to cause the snow and ice in front of such building or lot of land to be removed or to cause the same to be made reasonably safe, as hereinbefore directed to be done by such person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate in charge or control of such building or lot of land, and the amount of the expense of such removal or such work of making the said sidewalksreasonably safe for travel, shall in each instance be ascertained and certified by the said Mayor to the Corporation Counsel of the District of Columbia.

CONSEQUENCES – If the City does end up cleaning up the mess, the code says it will sue the owner or occupant for the cost and add a $25 penalty.

Not one of the world’s more terrifying penalties, and who knows if the city will actually do any of this? Probably nothing will happen if no cleaning is done – unless someone falls and is badly hurt after the eight hours has passed. And bad publicity ensues. Then it just might. It’s better to do the right thing to begin with. The specific language on consequences reads as follows:

DC ST § 9-606. Failure of owner or occupant to remove - Suit to recover cost.

The Corporation Counsel is hereby directed and authorized to sue for and recover from such person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate, the amount of such expense in the name of the District of Columbia, together with a penalty not exceeding $25 for each offense, with costs, and when so recovered the amount shall be deposited to the credit of the District of Columbia.

TWO AMAZING BUT TRUE DC TURKEY STORIES

FIRST STORY: THREE TURKEYS - ONE HOLIDAY?

One little, two little, three little turkeys. except that they were great big turkeys, and each one became the family turkey in succession, three turkeys in 24 hours. How did this wretched excess happen?

The first turkey was bought the night before the day before Thanksgiving, in a late-night splurge at the Social Safeway. Because we were having so many guests, we needed a 24 lb. turkey, and the Social Safeway in Georgetown seemed like the likeliest spot to snag a fresh one. Bingo! The turkey and all the trimmings filled every inch of free space in the car. We were so tired after all the purchasing that emptying it late at night was a chore we were all barely capable of organizing. Somehow we managed to empty the car of everything – except the turkey itself. The turkey spent the night in the car.

Horrors! The Turkey Institute had done a fine job of prosyletizing everyone against leaving out the bird. I called their Turkey Hotline reluctantly, dialing with trembling finger. Sure enough, they managed to convince me that I should throw out that fine bird, that I would be endangering a large number of guests as a result. Never mind that the weather was cold and the possibility of poisoning them was quite remote. They told me it had to go, so out it went. Turkey Number One bit the dust!

Now this was the day before Thanksgiving, and very large turkeys were beginning to be difficult to find. Not to worry. I worked not far from Hechinger Mall, where one of the biggest Safeways in the District was located. On my lunch hour, I drove straight to Hechinger Mall and snagged the last remaining huge turkey. Bird Number Two was a beauty! Mindful of the need for keeping it cold, I paid for the bird and asked the staff to put it aside and keep it chilled. I would return right after work and take it home. I had a lot of work to do and arrived at Hechinger Mall well after nightfall. No problem, I’d have plenty of time to cook and get ready for the big day. But WHERE was my turkey?? I looked and looked and called for the staff. They finally were forced to confess that they must have sold it. Sold my turkey??!! The last big turkey they had had in the store? It was a horror story. No way was I going to accept any excuse. So…

I dug deep in my pocket and hauled out my secret weapon - the tool that I had been promised would take care of any serious situation. At least ones involving Safeways! I was an Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner with a tiny Safeway in my jurisdiction. After a great deal of effort on my part, I had gotten a major zoning change rammed through the city that allowed the Safeway Corporation to eliminate an unneeded parking lot and double the pitiful size of our Safeway. (Even doubled, it is still small enough to be known locally as the Soviet Safeway because it hasn’t room for more than one of anything!) The Safeway Corporation owed me big time for my successful efforts on their behalf, and showed their appreciation by giving me an Executive Safeway card. It was usually given to their upper level executives, and gave me no extra savings, but it was supposed to act as a kind of Get Out of Jail Card. It was supposed to solve Safeway problems; I put it to the test. I brought it out and passed it back and forth under their stricken noses. I announced to them that by their reselling my already-paid for turkey, solving the problem of finding me a turkey to serve over 20 guests the next day was now their problem. They had till tomorrow morning to solve the problem. I went home to a sound sleep.

Somewhere in the farthest reaches of Maryland’s Eastern Shore, a 24-lb. unfrozen turkey was still unsold. The union leader was promised double or even triple time if that turkey could be long-distance hauled to the District. At 7:00 am the next morning, when I had already started to string the celery and slice the mushrooms, Turkey No. Three arrived at my door. It was perfect – twenty-four people dined well. Moral: a bird in the hand is worth three in the bush, if those birds are hiding in the car, the supposedly safe location and the far reaches of the Eastern Shore!

SECOND STORY: THE LONG LINE, THE TURKEY, THE DOG AND THE GYPSIES

Many years ago it was possible to buy a live turkey in DC and have it executed, defeathered and rendered oven-ready while you waited. Eating a freshly-killed bird was thought to be both healthier and more delicious than eating a previously rockhard frozen turkey which had to be thawed (usually in the bathtub) for several days before cooking. Far fewer people were vegans or even vegetarians in those bygone days, and a really fresh turkey was considered to be the epitome of a gourmet approach to cooking a bird, especially a Thanksgiving bird.

The result was a huge line the day or two before Thanksgiving. People would wait for hours for their bird. On this day before Thanksgiving a good three decades ago, I found myself in such a line. It is quite common for strangers who are stuck in what seems to be a permanent line, to start talking to each other to pass the time and eventually bond together. This is exactly what happened that morning. We found each other congenial as well as slightly demented from the wait. Stories were passed around, judgments were made on public events, politicians and musicians past and present, and anything that could be dredged up to help pass time during the long wait became fair game.

Now fair game is precisely the right word. It was hard not to notice that a few of the butcher’s stock in trade were small birds strutting around outside amongst the persons in line. They pecked away at invisible goodies in the hard, rocky soil, quite unaware of their impending doom. Probably the butchers allowed them a small period of freedom as they couldn’t get away, having had their wings cut as chicks to deter flight. Their potential for fine dining was gratefully commented upon by the waiters-in-line, who had nothing better to do with their time as they waited.

Now as it happened, the potential purchasers were not the only assessors of the little birds walking around. A tough old mutt lurking nearby seemed also to be sizing them up. The dog was sufficiently dirtyy and fierce-looking that it was assumed to be on the loose and without an owner. It looked hungry. Eventually, specific hypotheses began to develop around the question of whether the dog might have an eye out for a free dinner, as it seemed to be hanging around for some dinner-related purpose. The waiters began to hope for the possibility of a genuinely time-passing event. Having nothing better to do, and slightly crazed from the hours in line, they began to encourage the mutt. The mongrel was evaluated and positively rated for adequacy of size, potential speed and sufficient nerve to carry it off. Bets started to be laid whether or not the dog would have the nerve or capacity to grab a bird. To assist the game, the waiters parted just enough to give the hardened old dog enough space to do the evil deed. The dog looked up at us, scarcely believing that it was being encouraged to abscond with a bird. Go for it, the waiters cried, and go for it the mutt did. It made a quick dash, grabbed the bird by the neck and threw it over its shoulder and took off at top speed to the wild applause of those who had bet that he would make the attempt.

What I learned only later was that the dog was the prize valuable of a band of gypsies camping nearby. The dog had been trained to provide them with a free dinner upon command, and did so regularly. It took the waiters, however, to turn his depredations into a genuine, DC sporting event.