All ANCs Should Hold Sidewalk Shoveling Forums

Let's face it - the regs on the books regarding sidewalk snow removal are irrelevant and unenforceable. We need a whole new approach. The City isn't going to take care of this matter, so let's bring it to a level where something worthwhile could actually get done. ANC-based neighborhood forums on how to help ourselves would go a long way to helping Washingtonians dig out after future snowfalls. The ANCs are well-set up to handle this kind of thing and the size of area of concern is about the right size, too. As a former ANC Commissioner myself, I know that the community needs some serious attention to be paid to this important issue.

What we have traditionally done, and what doesn’t work well, is to try to go it alone. As it is now, each new snowfall is a new event, unrelated to any other - no cooperation, no memory. Not good. Each snowstorm comes as a big surprise to us, and we think that we'll handle it by ourselves and as we see fit. That really is a lousy approach and needs to change! Everyone who lives or works here has a longterm interest in making sure that sidewalk snow removal is handled efficiently and speedily. City government, local residents, business and community groups, property owners, tenants and lessees, everyone has a mutual interest and need to keep sidewalks clear. It seems hardly necessary to have to point out this mutuality of interest, but taking the next step – to develop actions plans together that could address these mutual needs on a block-by-block basis for an entire winter snow season – can hardly be over-supported.

Now that Snowmageddon has gotten stale and dirty, (even if it hasn’t yet disappeared), but before we've forgotten about it, it’s time to take a look at ways we could more easily make it through any further blizzards Mother Nature (an oxymoron if there ever was one!) may choose to hurl in our path. Individualists that we Americans are, we have not made significant use of available neighborhood-based group activities in the face of horrendous weather. This has left the politicians free to respond fairly ineptly without much in the way of repercussion. Surely that alone must leave us unsatisfied! Nor can we be entirely satisfied with how homeowners, lessees and tenants, in residential and commercial areas, have responded. While some responded heroically, others did nothing, certain that they would not be penalized. Because what seems fair in terms of shoveling has varied so much and has required little if any joint effort, sidewalk cleaning responses have in too many cases been ineffective and even infuriating.

We can do better, folks. We can organize, and we can plan. Washingtonians are good at that. It may be a first time we've ever made ANC-wide, season-long plans for dealing with winter weather, but it is long overdue. We can come up with many better ways to manage than what we have been doing until now.

NOTE: Our plans need to cover an entire winter season. Let’s accept once and for all that snow, ice, having to shovel and dig ourselves out cannot be counted on happening only once a year. If we could count on that, perhaps we could get away without a solid plan, but we still would be a lot more uncomfortable than we need to be.

To handle winter well, we have to be ready to respond at planned levels over an entire winter season. Our plan needs to be flexible enough to handle a range of winters, whether it be a warmish winter with only one big storm or a winter that keeps pounding us. Let’s start right now, because winter isn’t over yet by any means.

SHOVELING NEEDS AND SERVICES – FOR THE COMMUNITY, FOR INDIVIDUALS. FOR THE WHOLE WINTER

ANCs need to work at developing local plans to provide, over an entire winter season, locally-owned equipment and locally-staffed shoveling services on a timely and cost-effective basis to both businesses and residents. These cooperative shoveling agreements will need to cover an entire winter season. This would go far to make snowfalls less hazardous. It's overdue for business and community organizations of all kinds to start working together on a season-long snow plan.

Good planning starts asking the right questions. Here are a couple of general questions that need to be raised, as plans are being developed, followed by some more specific ones.

GENERAL QUESTIONS:

What should the city do and what should we be doing in terms of creating pedestrian pathways? We know that there are certain actions for which the City does bear responsibility. They include

• Cleaning up the sidewalks in front of its own property

• taking care of sidewalks at street intersections

• plowing entrances to alleys in such a way that they can be crossed by pedestrians

• cleaning sidewalks when property owners or lessees or persons in charge, don’t do itl (Hell will freeze over before this happens, of course!)

According to City Code, property owners,tenants, lessees and “persons in charge” (i.e., whoever is “in control” of the property) are equally responsible for cleaning sidewalks and taking care of hazardous tree conditions within 8 sunlit hours of the ceasing of a snow fall. it’s that simple. Practically speaking that means – at the absolute latest – no later than sundown two days after a late day snowfall. Or is it really so simple? How do we get more cooperation when those “persons in control” don’t do what they’re supposed to do?

•What are reasonable expectations of the business and residential communities in terms of speediness and thoroughness of shoveling? Leaving aside the City Code, what needs to be done, by whom, how well and how quickly? Can we work this out for the entire winter season?

•What can and should residential areas consider to be their responsibility, and equally importantly, what can and should commercial areas consider to be their responsibility? Are these levels of responsibility the same, and if not, how do they differ? Does responsibility stay at a constant level, or does it vary as time elapses after a snowfall? When and how can we be satisfied with what we have done, and what could we do better next time?

• Who needs shoveling help and can’t afford to do it? Who or what organization can take the lead job of identifying such people? What are fair criteria for getting placed on such a list, How will we reach them to let them know that help is available? One we have such a list, what will the ANCs do to get those who need help the help they need? And how will we make the help safe for those doing the work, ans well as for those receiving the aid?

•Can a useful list of critical sidewalks be developed? How would this be done fairly? If you made such a list, how would it be used? ? How do we want to handle snow shoveling of critical sidewalks - do we make others wait while we get the critical ones cleaned first?

Some specific questions to think about in developing a plan could include:

• Are there any existing plans for cooperative sidewalk snow shoveling? Do any local business organizations have an overall snow plan? If so, what is it? What does it include and what does it leave out - for instance, have any businesses united to buy shoveling services?

• Are there any similar plans in place in residential areas? What’s out there? Would the ANC be willing to do a survey to find this out?

• How can the needs of persons with disabilities be handled fairly and adequately? (This has been an entirely unaddressed area, and deserves recognition as a real problem; persons in wheelchairs or with crutches, for example, are pretty much totally confined inside, as sidewalks are seldom shoveled widely enough to enable them to emerge safely or even at all.)

• Where can we find reliable and reasonably-priced, locally-available shoveling services? How do we find this out? What local community-based organizations can provide help, and how can we make use of their services?

•is anybody willing to share (or loan or rent) existing equipment? Is there any local private or public organization that could share its existing equipment on an as-needed basis? If so, could a formalized and systematic arrangement be developed? Is there some place where people could donate and borrow shoveling equipment? What would the cost of warehousing and stockpiling be, and what about bonding and insurance? Would these be needed,and if so, would they be prohibitive?

• What’s a fair price for digging out sidewalks? Should it vary depending on terrain and size, age, weight and iciness of the snow, the amount of usage that sidewalk gets, or only by the ability of its owners/ lessees to pay? At what point should the sweeper get paid?

• Would the local business community be willing to go in together on buying snow-blowing equipment, paying to hire some kind of service to take care of sidewalks for an entire winter season, or organizing employees to jointly shovel? is a plan to buy snow-blowing equipment realistic? Would business areas be receptive to doing this? Would community-based organizations be willing to consider this as well for use in residential areas?

• What are the local sources for snow-clearing materials? Where do residents and businesses buy their snow-clearing needs? Could these businesses be asked to get together to provide a plan that would have enough assets to cover the winter? It's not easy to shovel when the hardware store runs out of shovels within a day, and doesn't re-supply quickly.

• How can alleys be made more accessible, given that a wall of snow engendered by a plow is a terrible setback to car owners? Is there some way to flatten the snow in the alley without making these walls?

• How do we handle dog poop when trash collection has essentially ceased? Is it fair for homeowners to find little blue bags or even worse, unbagged poop thrown onto their shoveled snow banks? That has been happening, and it just isn’t acceptable behavior.

BRINGING THE ISSUE TO THE PUBLIC

While only the District Government can issue a fine for non-shoveled sidewalks, and most likely will not do so, there are other ways of making an effective protest.One of the most galvanizing tools is the threat of public shame, or conversely the pleasure of public approval. When businesses were made aware that if they didn’t make a real effort to shovel that their lack of effort would be written up and published on the web, they hopped to it quickly and effectively. They didn’t want their lack of effort made public, at all, and quickly took care of the problem.

Praise is just as effective a tool, and businesses that did a good job of cleaning up were cited positively on the Web. Those businesses swiftly made this information public. Moral? A carrot and a stick both have their place, especially when the results are certain to be made public.

FINAL THOUGHTS

If we can organize quickly and highly effectively for an enormous snowball fight, surely we can use the same communications methods to help us deal with more seriously needed forms of labor – digging ourselves, our neighbors, our communities and businesses out of snow on an ongoing basis throughout the winter. Let’s give it a try. If we succeed, we’ll be much better prepared to develop and carry out plans on how the community can best react should there at some time be a serious incident involving danger to our homes or the city as a whole. Living in the District, we know it is wise to be prepared. Shovel away, fellow citizens!

Getting Caught Up: First; SNOW REGS –First and last word

Given that snow removal is just about all that anyone is talking about these days, Mme. Magpie thought you might make good use of her thoughts on how the regs do or do not work in actuality, and accompanied by the ACTUAL CODE ITSELF. That should end some arguments,!

OVERALL REQUIREMENTS – . DC Code requires that sidewalks be cleaned within eight hours of the end of a snowfall. It doesn’t care who does it – it simply requires that the job to be taken care of, quickly and safely. It hopes you will want to do the right thing. And if you don’t, it will do the job and sue you.

Of course, the certainty of disapproval and anger by neighbors forced to make use of uncleared and dangerous sidewalks ought to be an even greater spur to doing the right thing than the failure to adhere to city code. And whether the City is going to clear and sue if you don’t do the job is unclear, unspecified – and unsupported in city history. At least, on paper, it has a requirement to do so.

RESPONSIBILITY - Who is responsible for the cleaning? The city’s broom sweeps wide here (pun, pun) It does not limit this requirement to owners; tenants, occupants, lessees or even “otherwise” are all included in this requirement. The key words are “in charge or in control” The specific language reads as follows: (The words below in bold are ones which are defined in the code.)

DC ST § 9-601 (Snow) Removal from sidewalks by owner or occupant of abutting property.

It shall be the duty of every person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate in charge or control of any building or lot of land within the fire limits of the District of Columbia, fronting or abutting on a paved sidewalk, whether as owner, tenant, occupant, lessee, or otherwise, within the first 8 hours of daylight after the ceasing to fall of any snow or sleet, to remove and clear away, or cause to be removed and cleared away, such snow or sleet from so much of said sidewalk as is in front of or abuts on said building or lot of land.

ALTERNATIVES - What if you are facing fifty feet of solid ice because you waited too long and it is just too much and too dangerous? Are there any alternatives? Yes, there are – at least temporarily. If you can’t remove it because of ” hardening”, you still have to make it reasonably safe for travel. You will have to put out sand or ashes within eight hours, and then clean up as soon as possible. The specific language reads as follows: (The words in bold are defined in the code.)

DC ST § 9-604. Temporary use of sand and ashes.

In case the snow, sleet, and ice cannot be removed from so much of the paved sidewalks within the fire limits of the District of Columbia as front upon or abut such buildings or lots of land as are not owned or held by lease by the District of Columbia or the United States without injury to said sidewalks, because of the hardening thereof, the person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate in charge or control of such buildings or lots of land, whether as owner, tenant, occupant, lessee, or otherwise, shall, within the first 8 hours of daylight after the same has formed, make reasonably safe for travel, or cause to be made reasonably safe for travel, by the sprinkling of sand or ashes thereon, said sidewalks, and shall, as soon thereafter as the weather shall permit, thoroughly clean said sidewalks.

IF YOU DON’T CLEAN, WILL THE CITY? - It says it will. The City has the duty of removing snow if those in charge or control don’t do it. The Code doesn’t say what part of the City Government will be responsible for identifying, reporting, ranking or cleaning untouched sidewalks, but DDOT seems like the logical agency. (Perhaps ANCs could be asked to give the city some help in identifying and ranking critical neighborhood paths. ) The specific language reads as follows: (The words below in bold are ones defined in the code.)

DC ST § 9-605 Failure of owner or occupant to remove--Removal by Mayor.

In the event of the failure of any person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate to remove or cause to be removed such snow or ice from the saidsidewalks, or to make the same reasonably safe for travel, or cause the same to be made reasonably safe for travel, as hereinbefore provided, it shall be the duty of the Mayor of the District of Columbia, as soon as practicable after the expiration of the time herein provided for the removal thereof, or for the making of the saidsidewalks reasonably safe for travel, to cause the snow and ice in front of such building or lot of land to be removed or to cause the same to be made reasonably safe, as hereinbefore directed to be done by such person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate in charge or control of such building or lot of land, and the amount of the expense of such removal or such work of making the said sidewalksreasonably safe for travel, shall in each instance be ascertained and certified by the said Mayor to the Corporation Counsel of the District of Columbia.

CONSEQUENCES – If the City does end up cleaning up the mess, the code says it will sue the owner or occupant for the cost and add a $25 penalty.

Not one of the world’s more terrifying penalties, and who knows if the city will actually do any of this? Probably nothing will happen if no cleaning is done – unless someone falls and is badly hurt after the eight hours has passed. And bad publicity ensues. Then it just might. It’s better to do the right thing to begin with. The specific language on consequences reads as follows:

DC ST § 9-606. Failure of owner or occupant to remove - Suit to recover cost.

The Corporation Counsel is hereby directed and authorized to sue for and recover from such person, partnership, corporation, joint-stock company, or syndicate, the amount of such expense in the name of the District of Columbia, together with a penalty not exceeding $25 for each offense, with costs, and when so recovered the amount shall be deposited to the credit of the District of Columbia.

TWO AMAZING BUT TRUE DC TURKEY STORIES

FIRST STORY: THREE TURKEYS - ONE HOLIDAY?

One little, two little, three little turkeys. except that they were great big turkeys, and each one became the family turkey in succession, three turkeys in 24 hours. How did this wretched excess happen?

The first turkey was bought the night before the day before Thanksgiving, in a late-night splurge at the Social Safeway. Because we were having so many guests, we needed a 24 lb. turkey, and the Social Safeway in Georgetown seemed like the likeliest spot to snag a fresh one. Bingo! The turkey and all the trimmings filled every inch of free space in the car. We were so tired after all the purchasing that emptying it late at night was a chore we were all barely capable of organizing. Somehow we managed to empty the car of everything – except the turkey itself. The turkey spent the night in the car.

Horrors! The Turkey Institute had done a fine job of prosyletizing everyone against leaving out the bird. I called their Turkey Hotline reluctantly, dialing with trembling finger. Sure enough, they managed to convince me that I should throw out that fine bird, that I would be endangering a large number of guests as a result. Never mind that the weather was cold and the possibility of poisoning them was quite remote. They told me it had to go, so out it went. Turkey Number One bit the dust!

Now this was the day before Thanksgiving, and very large turkeys were beginning to be difficult to find. Not to worry. I worked not far from Hechinger Mall, where one of the biggest Safeways in the District was located. On my lunch hour, I drove straight to Hechinger Mall and snagged the last remaining huge turkey. Bird Number Two was a beauty! Mindful of the need for keeping it cold, I paid for the bird and asked the staff to put it aside and keep it chilled. I would return right after work and take it home. I had a lot of work to do and arrived at Hechinger Mall well after nightfall. No problem, I’d have plenty of time to cook and get ready for the big day. But WHERE was my turkey?? I looked and looked and called for the staff. They finally were forced to confess that they must have sold it. Sold my turkey??!! The last big turkey they had had in the store? It was a horror story. No way was I going to accept any excuse. So…

I dug deep in my pocket and hauled out my secret weapon - the tool that I had been promised would take care of any serious situation. At least ones involving Safeways! I was an Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner with a tiny Safeway in my jurisdiction. After a great deal of effort on my part, I had gotten a major zoning change rammed through the city that allowed the Safeway Corporation to eliminate an unneeded parking lot and double the pitiful size of our Safeway. (Even doubled, it is still small enough to be known locally as the Soviet Safeway because it hasn’t room for more than one of anything!) The Safeway Corporation owed me big time for my successful efforts on their behalf, and showed their appreciation by giving me an Executive Safeway card. It was usually given to their upper level executives, and gave me no extra savings, but it was supposed to act as a kind of Get Out of Jail Card. It was supposed to solve Safeway problems; I put it to the test. I brought it out and passed it back and forth under their stricken noses. I announced to them that by their reselling my already-paid for turkey, solving the problem of finding me a turkey to serve over 20 guests the next day was now their problem. They had till tomorrow morning to solve the problem. I went home to a sound sleep.

Somewhere in the farthest reaches of Maryland’s Eastern Shore, a 24-lb. unfrozen turkey was still unsold. The union leader was promised double or even triple time if that turkey could be long-distance hauled to the District. At 7:00 am the next morning, when I had already started to string the celery and slice the mushrooms, Turkey No. Three arrived at my door. It was perfect – twenty-four people dined well. Moral: a bird in the hand is worth three in the bush, if those birds are hiding in the car, the supposedly safe location and the far reaches of the Eastern Shore!

SECOND STORY: THE LONG LINE, THE TURKEY, THE DOG AND THE GYPSIES

Many years ago it was possible to buy a live turkey in DC and have it executed, defeathered and rendered oven-ready while you waited. Eating a freshly-killed bird was thought to be both healthier and more delicious than eating a previously rockhard frozen turkey which had to be thawed (usually in the bathtub) for several days before cooking. Far fewer people were vegans or even vegetarians in those bygone days, and a really fresh turkey was considered to be the epitome of a gourmet approach to cooking a bird, especially a Thanksgiving bird.

The result was a huge line the day or two before Thanksgiving. People would wait for hours for their bird. On this day before Thanksgiving a good three decades ago, I found myself in such a line. It is quite common for strangers who are stuck in what seems to be a permanent line, to start talking to each other to pass the time and eventually bond together. This is exactly what happened that morning. We found each other congenial as well as slightly demented from the wait. Stories were passed around, judgments were made on public events, politicians and musicians past and present, and anything that could be dredged up to help pass time during the long wait became fair game.

Now fair game is precisely the right word. It was hard not to notice that a few of the butcher’s stock in trade were small birds strutting around outside amongst the persons in line. They pecked away at invisible goodies in the hard, rocky soil, quite unaware of their impending doom. Probably the butchers allowed them a small period of freedom as they couldn’t get away, having had their wings cut as chicks to deter flight. Their potential for fine dining was gratefully commented upon by the waiters-in-line, who had nothing better to do with their time as they waited.

Now as it happened, the potential purchasers were not the only assessors of the little birds walking around. A tough old mutt lurking nearby seemed also to be sizing them up. The dog was sufficiently dirtyy and fierce-looking that it was assumed to be on the loose and without an owner. It looked hungry. Eventually, specific hypotheses began to develop around the question of whether the dog might have an eye out for a free dinner, as it seemed to be hanging around for some dinner-related purpose. The waiters began to hope for the possibility of a genuinely time-passing event. Having nothing better to do, and slightly crazed from the hours in line, they began to encourage the mutt. The mongrel was evaluated and positively rated for adequacy of size, potential speed and sufficient nerve to carry it off. Bets started to be laid whether or not the dog would have the nerve or capacity to grab a bird. To assist the game, the waiters parted just enough to give the hardened old dog enough space to do the evil deed. The dog looked up at us, scarcely believing that it was being encouraged to abscond with a bird. Go for it, the waiters cried, and go for it the mutt did. It made a quick dash, grabbed the bird by the neck and threw it over its shoulder and took off at top speed to the wild applause of those who had bet that he would make the attempt.

What I learned only later was that the dog was the prize valuable of a band of gypsies camping nearby. The dog had been trained to provide them with a free dinner upon command, and did so regularly. It took the waiters, however, to turn his depredations into a genuine, DC sporting event.

Some terrific music we've heard lately - Tango, Puccini and Antiphonal concerts

Lately, we've attended some terrific musical productions. Mme. Magpie hopes you might enjoy a quick review of them.

1. Quintango at the Gala Theatre. This one was a real surprise! We had met several members of Quintango at a Day of the Dead party recently, and they told us about the show. We decided to go, not knowing exactly what to expect. This chamber ensemble is thoroughly professional musically, and fully deserves to be compared in its performance to serious string quartets - the quality was far higher than we expected. In fact, the small ensemble - piano, bass, 2 violins and cello - could hold its own against any of the serious groups in this city. The pianist was sublime in his technique – way past that showy 19th C. crowdpleaser, Louis Moreau Gottschalk, and that says a lot. The addition of two other instrumentalists for a few pieces - a bandurion player and a drummer - were welcome, but actually not critical; Quintango had enough going for it that their absence in much of the program made little if any difference. The program was greatly enhanced by the co-performance of two sublimely talented Tango dancers - their credentials were first-rate, as were their technique and sensitivity to the music to which they danced. Check out Quintango's website - if you like Tango and want to hear it as an artform, Quintago is the group for you. Yummy!

2. Puccini. This was a Washington Chorus production, featuring a substantial orchestra (including four bass fiddles!) the huge chorus that is their trademark, an extremely well-balanced group of soloists, and some of the most hummable music that has ever been sung. It is not so common to have a group of soloists who were as evenly talented as this group was. Almost any of them could have slipped into one of the other roles written for the same voice without any loss of smoothness or artistic production. There wasn't a slacker among them, and the voice quality was uniformly excellent. Some fine acting as well! The performance was sparkling, with lots of arias that persons with any interest in opera would certainly know. The audience left the Kennedy Center positively fizzing with delight.

3. Antiphonal Music through the Ages. This concert, from the Washington Choral Arts Society, was a hands-down winner. Antiphonal music was a new experience for Madame Magpie's husband, if not for her - a former member of the Boston Pro Music Antiqua - and both of us had a rousing good time. Antiphonal music, both choral and brass instrument-oriented, is really exciting stuff. Fundamentally, the music is split up into at least two groups and can go up to as many as eight choruses. Pieces may be call and response, or everyone singing the same music at the same time from different locations around the concert hall, or the music may be polyphonic - different melodies and harmonies sung at the same time from different locations, or in great massive blocks, in two or more locations. The most delightful and unusual experience was to be able to follow a phrase or theme when the chorus was divided into eight groups, with some on the stage and the rest across the first balcony completely circling the concert hall. The theme would appear on one side of the hall and rise then fall, moving around, usually clockwise until the entire concert hall had been traversed. That was great fun, indeed!

As different pieces were divided up into different sized and placed groups, there was a lot of chorus moving; it was something like seeing a living kaleidoscope in action. This was handled extraordinarily well- the logistics involved were equal to those involving the moving of armies over complicated terrain - and the program used the time necessary for carrying out the chorus redeployments exceptionally well by putting on a wonderful antiphonal brass program while the choristers gracefully moved to their new location. Mme. Magpie was particularly taken with two of Praetorius' Dances from Terpsichore, but she must reveal bias in her delight, as one of the Dances was part of the musical prelude program to her wedding forty-two years ago.

An interesting sidenote to an antiphonal concert is how the conductor arranged himself so that his direction could be seen by choral - and brass - members who were not to be found in their customary straight line-of-sight locations. The conductor had to modify his usual technique in order to be seen by musicians to the right and left, as well as a whole tier higher than his head. He solved the problem by conducting from a raised podium right in the center of the concert hall itself. Very thoughtful, very clever, very successful - exactly the right words to describe the concert itself.

The Gabrieli, Tallis and Biebl pieces were the choral highlights of the concert. The Gabrielis were delicious, over the top swooning crashes of pure, sensual sound (if those two adjectives can both refer to the same sense at the same time!). Thomas Tallis is one of the stars of the brilliant Tudor musical scene, and his piece is profound in its meaning as well as its musicality; its deep religious pull is gripping, the words and music combining and turning in a setting that offers sublime musicality. The little Biebl piece was a true charmer. Its composer was unknown to me but won me over instantly because of its sweetness and melodic charm. The Martin piece seemed drier, and was considerably lengthier - not that it was boring, but it wasn't in the same class. The fine Benjamin Britten piece had been written when the composer was very young, but it shone in its beauty like the polished piece it is. Genius show itself early in Britten's case!

Not every hall can accommodate antiphonal productions, but this was a true joy to listen to. If you have access to home theater surround sound, so get CDs of the program and give yourself a spectacular treat!

DUPONT CIRCLE CAT BURGLAR CAUGHT - AT LAST!

BREAKING NEWS! Mme. Magpie could not have been happier. At the Dupont Circle ANC Meeting tonight, the MPD announced that they had FINALLY caught the notorious Dupont Circle cat burglar, and that he was confessing his crimes with great relish!

After he had been arrested, he was driven around town and amused himself by picking out home after home into which he had broken. The MPD seemed somewhat stunned with the breathtaking number and variety of his chimney-top entry methodology, but were definitely taking notes.

Mme. Magpie recalls his antics with a certain 'je ne sais quoi", because her nest had been a possible break-in site not long ago. One 4:00 am, she heard a strange noise, and asked her hubby if he had also heard it. When he said yes, she got up to investigate. Lo! and Behold! When she carefully and slowly opened her interior front hall door, she found that it was entirely filled with blue-uniformed MPD officers. She was appalled, of course – because she had on her second-best nightie rather than her Gloria Swanson, Marilyn Monroe special. The shmata didn't even come with a bathrobe, much less any sequins or rhinestones to set off Mme. Magpie's pure white hair! She complained to the Police Powers that be, and they just laughed at her.

It seems that Mme. Magpie's tenant had heard a sound on the roof and called in the MPD, which VERY much wanted to catch said burglar. The tenant didn't call Mme. Magpie, as it was, after all, 4:00 am. So it was quite a shock for Mme. Magpie to find her very own front hall had ben taken over by the MPD hoping that this call was going to be the magic, winning bell. Unfortunately, the sound most probably came from an overachieving raccoon who had been spotted, in a previous incident, shinnying down her rain spout. Such nerve!

This time, Good Karma has prevailed, and the Cat Burglar of Dupont Circle has finally been apprehended. To put it gently, the MPD is breathing a collective sigh of relief; after all a half a year without a Victory was serious bad, not only on the MPD's overtime budget, but on its morale – to say nothing of the morale of Dupont Circlers who came home to find their ceiling stomped in or the skylight open and the little goodies that make life worthwhile all gone. . .

Happy days are here again, folks! Mme. Magpie is imagining a brass band marching this way in celebration, but will settle for the drummers of Dupont Circle. Having solved this problem, let's bring on something much harder – how to find some good mayoral candidates, or maybe how to get voting rights in Congress. Anything seems possible on a day when the Cat Burglar of Dupont Circle is finally down to his last life, which she trusts will be well-spent in a permanent suite in the slammer! .

A CRAZED DRIVER BLAZES DOWN MY BLOCK; WHAT TO DO?

What do you do when some damn fool whips his turbocharged car past you, accelerating up to 60 mph (my estimate) on the block where you live?

Mme. Magpie – a past Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner - and her hubby – the current Advisory Neighborhood Commissioner of our Dupont Circle neighborhood - and a constituent were walking back from a community meeting the other night, when we were practically blown away by the undertow when a fancy foreign car went barreling past us like greased lightning, slamming on the brakes at the last possible minute at the end of the block. It was one of the worst exhibits of unsafe, risky city driving I’ve seen on our block, and I’ve lived at the same address for the past forty years.

There was no way I could let this outrage pass without notice. So I walked up to the car and called the driver on his life-threatening deed – I used no bad words, didn’t lose my temper and didn’t raise my voice. He responded with a sneer about

• how important he is (he said he was a doctor) and

• did I have any idea to whom I was talking, and

• who the hell did I think I was, anyhow, and

•how he intended to repeat his NASCAR experience ”multiple times” now that he knew where we live.

He then proceeded to unleash a full-blown diatribe, filled with unpleasant and certainly erroneous assumptions about what people who objected to his driving must be like. He swore

• that we were old geezers who disapproved of urban street life

• that we must think that everyone living here should be and act just like us, and

• that we wanted to prevent a varied, urban neighborhood.

His final, grand point was that because we lived in the city we had no right to expect people to obey traffic laws – I guess traffic laws must be strictly suburban. He told me, and I quote, “this is the city and I can do anything I want to here.” Perhaps I should be grateful that he didn’t have a Terrible Two temper tantrum on the spot. (Actually, short of lying on the ground, kicking his legs and holding his breath, that’s exactly what he was doing.)

I responded quietly, trying to explain that all I wanted was some sane driving on the block where I live, and that this was not an unreasonable expectation. At that, he stormed off in high dudgeon, disappearing into the evening crowd on 17^th Street.

I was afraid both of what further dangerous actions he might do with his car if he had (any more) alcohol in him, and I was dismayed by his threats to rerun a Grand Prix Course on Corcoran Street. And so I called the MPD.

The police responded quickly and in force. They took seriously his potential for dangerous driving as well as his threats to return and deliberately speed on the little street where I live – a short block with plenty of pedestrian traffic due to the “Soviet” Safeway on our block. Unfortunately, we didn’t know where he had gone, and after several minutes of waiting to see if he might return, the MPD slid off to check out other urban city activities. It was another night in Dodge on a street that used to be called Stab Alley.

A NEW UNITARY THEORY, BRINGING TOGETHER THE LAWS OF EVOLUTION AND PHYSICS

Mme. Magpie's Theory of Evolution has been finally proven conclusively today. She is so excited that she wants to share her important advance in the Laws of Physics with you. She has long held that evolution occurs through the process of transmogrification. The changes generally occur in dark and murky locales, with the washer/drier and her clothes closet providing the principal sites for change. What occurs at these stations? Come, come, it is quite obvious! – socks and hangers interchange in a magnificent transformation. She knew this to be true, but she was seeking more proof. Today she found both the proof she needed, and she learned of a new transmogrification site– one of her many hat boxes. She carefully stores the out-of-season chapeaux in hatboxes in her closet, and, as she was performing her biannual chore of bringing out the winter hats, she came across a box in which transmogrification was in actual progress! Both hangers and socks were present, along with a missing belt of my husband's (obviously a transitional byproduct). There they were, caught in the very act! I thought I caught the sound of fading trumpets as well as a whispered word -- possibly "Eureka". It was truly an awesome experience – Do any of you have access to a Stockholm phone directory? I believe there's a few folk to whom I should be talking. . .